Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Letting It Out

I am struggling with time, my time.

Often I imagine, working unbridled from 4am to 6am from Mondays to Fridays; then one full day every Saturday, and another half day on Sundays.  In reality, I was able to realize this partly.

Now that the daughter is schooling, indeed I wake up at 4am. But I get sit for the thesis by 6am. It is disrespectful to be writing while the daughter is preparing for school. On these occasions, I am a mother first. Then I get to write, if I am lucky, at most 224 words on the thesis outline. Yes, the thesis outline. I am beginning to craft my thoughts this way. It works. An approach so old, I am patient with it. But still I struggle. Now that I have direction in the writing, time is so little. It is hard to build momentum.

Saturdays are no different. I was able to work one full Saturday only once this July. On other times, I am caught up with yoga, housework, cooking, errands. There is so much to do in one day. To creep and just open the laptop, to mull over the outline, is just difficult.

But in my mind, the thesis exists, It my mind it is alive. In my mind, I know this will be submitted and it will become a book. It will become a classic. I owe it to the people who made it happen - good and bad, happy and not-so-happy, the hopeful and the desperate. All real people.

And so Time be kind. I will not budge. I will be present everyday. Until I make headway. I will just keep on breaking through.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I Have A Doctor in Baguio

I got or was sick on the way to Baguio, Monday, last week. Because this required an emergency check-up, went to Notre Dame to see a doctor. I was expecting a quick one - lab test, check-up, meds and off I'll go.

But it was not meant to be.  That Monday, I was led to a woman-doctor who cared enough to get my family history; at one point in our conversation, I had to look the other way to control myself.  I nearly cried detailing my family's medical history, the stress in my life, my life as a single parent. I thought the check-up would be a flash.  But I was in for more tests on the Wednesday.  In the afternoon, in hand were two prescription pads for 'natural' meds. No antibiotics for now.  A medical doctor who believes in natural remedies like water therapy and plant-based meds.  I wanted to go back to her.

So now, I have reason to be in Baguio, from time to time. And perhaps scout for a house.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

No Need For You

A man from the past made contact. Quite gruffly. His language was quite arrogant. Demanding that I send him my CV. As if I wanted extra work. As if I needed the work he has to offer. As if I need him. He has so not gotten over 'it' - what - like 23 years ago? This same man called me two years ago and said that well, if I've met him just after he and his wife got separated, I would already be in Canada, with him. Really? I need you to get to Canada? That I really need to depend on any man to get anywhere in this world. Really?

It takes a lot of courage to be single in a world where companionship and sex could be obtained in an app. But the security I'm in, it's not negotiable. I got to this point by enduring, accepting and finally finding peace with loving myself above all else. I did not fornicate for the heck of it. Nor did I force myself to fall in love with someone else just for the sake of warming half of the bed. I need not be told that I need anyone. I am not confusing companionship with dependency. I do not need to get laid to get a job. I am working for a very prestigious company where I hold a position of esteem. My status allows me to travel, on my expense, at will, any part of the world. I do not need a man to fulfill my wants.

It's not that I do not need a man. When work gets overbearing, it crosses my mind what it would be like to care for husband, hearth and children. But then I fear being caged in. And I feel renewed again. Being a single parent and having a great job.

I am just not that kind of woman anymore. The one who craves for attention, and mistakes it for love. I am no longer the kind of woman who kowtows and begs for attention on these kinds of men - the arrogant, the passive-aggressive, the narcissist, the good-for-nothing - just to be whole. I am already whole. I have risen above you all. Oh you lot. Goodbye for good.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Befriending Time

my to-do list is full. readings and reports to read, at least, have gone past a quarter post-it note. on a writing glut on the thesis. but still, i am alright. there is no room for worry in a day where the mind is filled with what-to-do-next-on-what. the most important thing is that I am on top of it all. and the best thing is that, I am here. I am well. and Time is conspiring to just let it be.  all these to-do's will be 'done's' on the right time. and I am here navigating on the immediate.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bed

I have a new bed. It's creamy white. Bought 33% cheaper than its retail price. Has a pullout bed. Light and easy to move and clean. I also bought polka dot covers. It's so cool to look at. My bed.


Monday, February 20, 2017

A Cake of Wishes

I have much to be thankful for today. Got my birthday wish. A long drive from Manila to San Jose, NE. Then from Bagabag NV to Santiago. Then, the icing. The daughter passed the entrance exam at AC. Blessings come in threes. So perhaps tomorrow, the third wish will come true.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Chapel at Assumption


This is a very beautiful chapel at Assumption College. Beautiful in its simplicity. Only one stained glass icon adores it; nothing less than Mama Mary on her Assumption into heaven. So happy and privileged to be here. I did not make a wish. I just let myself be enveloped by holiness and grace.



Friday, February 17, 2017

A Friday

Today, the daughter homed in at AC. The story won a Fitbit. Our block prexy met an untimely death in Batangas. Had my first case of cramps in the car, just before driving. Life really is what it is. Where one starts, another ends. We are victorious and distraught within hours. Life is just like this.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Pride

a high school friend of mine died today. of breast cancer - after a double mastectomy and treatment for six months. i have a feeling her treatment was a rip-off. doctors egging for treatment while rubbing their hands happy for the fees. she died just after the cancer invaded also her bones and kidneys. on her pictures in FB, i see that not only life was extinguished from her. her face was devoid already of hope.

we were about to meet sometime in november. but i sensed that she will cancel. we used to be housemates and our parting was not well. still, i was hoping to see her, but she canceled last minute with her blood chem results as attachments. told her. it's not necessary. if she's not feeling well, then alright to cancel. but i guessed she was just not ready to meet me with her condition. just had her head shaved. she would come not her confident upright self.

i've always said that when it's my time, i will choose no treatment. but then who knows? who knows what reasons you're celebrating life when cancer strikes? who knows the reasons that will make you choose to be well, despite the costs, and despite the doctors grinning sheepishly in the background. perhaps the way to go above all is Pride. to hold on to that ounce of self-belief that one can make it, and that surviving is an active decision, rather than just a passive outcome.

i choose to remember her happy and vibrant. so long my friend.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A Creed for the Single


For hearts that are breaking, still broken, and having a hard time healing, take what is. Face the pain. Embrace the loneliness. Surrender. Be patient. Focus on what you love, and is there. Stay good. There is a miracle in Time. Time will make you better.