Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Shadow Man

i was 17 when i wrote about Shadow Man. my Shadow Man. my ideal man, who I believed then and now, still, live in the shadows of my dreams. i envy women who love and are loved by strong men; who have found their true partners in their best friends and are assured with a lifetime of laughter. it is my theory that as women begin exerting themselves, so will a filtering process occur among men - a process that filters out the contained against the boisterous; the firm against the insecure; the broad against the narrow; the shining against the crude; the true against the fakes. the barometer of a strong man is a strong woman.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Consciousness of Forgiving

It is in my nature to glorify and easily trust people. Perhaps because for someone born under the Year of the Pig (pardon the obvious), I naturally like people and expect only the good in them. I used to find it very hard to deal with people whose 'bad' and 'imperfect' sides I know. Either, I love them to death or I hate them to the bone. Surmounting this though is a lesson still being learned and along the way, my own hand has dealt my head the knocks it deserved.

There is no equality in the world. A bush is born a bush and one went on to become President of the Unites States and reduced it to being the most hated and newest member of the 3rd world in a matter of 6 years. A bamboo is born a bamboo yet its sturdiness rests in not breaking backward, although it bows forward. My point is, however I am now, I get this because it just is. Although I invested much professionalism, punctuality, dedication and honest-to-goodness honesty in work, for example, it is still possible that all my work will be set aside, belittled, and even held useless --- reduced to nothingness. It is possible and so cannot be prevented from happening. Despite all my best intentions. Despite that noble line from Little Ms. Philippines contestants: 'Gusto ko pong maging doktor...para makatulong po... sa mahihirap'. We also get things that we do not deserve and to face that squarely is to say: BRING IT ON. IT JUST IS.

Which brings us back to the subject of people. No one in our social circle are ever the same and none would treat us as equally or as expectedly. Our families, bestfriends, mentors, holy neighbors are bound to fail us, one way or another. The obvious excuse is that we are just human. But taking aside that humanity; in our experience with people, we are brought to bear on the realities of the world; the realities of our existence as earth-bound souls contending with forces beyond our control, and foresight. I think this is the reason why forgiveness is considered a divine act. Perhaps because forgiveness dictates that despite WHAT IS, we should shine through with WHO WE REALLY ARE and WHO WE ARE NOT.

Forgiveness demands more from us than what we are inclined to be. In Soc Sci 1, we are taught that the basic instincts of 'man' are sex and aggression. If these are what we are inclined to be, then civilization might not have prospered and an 'eye for an eye' should have been the Golden Rule. Forgiveness over the ages might have had a hand in our progress. Just as unforgiveness may be instrumental too for the parallel physical, spiritual and moral decay amid us now.

I like movies and this time, I'm watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in HBO. Dumbledore harks back to Harry while being possessed by Voldemort "it is not who you are, but who you are not". I think it's both. Being who you are also shows who you are not. One can choose to get as low. To join 'em and lick 'em. We are being tested all the time. So we choose. We decide always what to do in the face of options to hate, to cheat, to commit perjury, to kill, to un-forgive.

So I might have gotten what I do not deserve, at all. But I leave it to the God that lives in nature and in all things to cradle me at this time. I leave it to the wind to blow my doubts. I leave it to the sun to shine on me with inspiration. I leave it to waters for my passion to gush through to new, powerful and inventive work. I leave to the earth all the dregs of memories and all those pitiful souls who have never known fitful sleep for years of faking.

Whilst I accept. I forgive. I ask to be forgiven. I love. It just is.