Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Paano Ba ang Mangarap?

i gave myself a little break today so sans the alarm clock, i was still in bed around 830 this morning. so as one basking in the warmth of the bed and pushing away the (self-imposed) demands of the day, i just let my thoughts wander till i found myself humming....'lalalalalalalalala means i love you'. hmmm, i use to sing this to this boyfriend until i wondered, did i really have, like, special songs for all my past boyfriends? so i straightened up and went back to the past. ok, for this one it's 'and i, a-i, a-i, will always love you...' (malungkot to pero kwidaw). to jujun, it was 'lost in love' by air supply. ricky? parang wala. oi meron 'like a bridge over troubled waters...i will lay me down' (as in ang gusto yung live version and version ni elvis presley - the king talaga!). this guy, wala. so naturallement, i got to the Old Man and the songs we used to sing (together as in jumo-join sya talaga!) in the wee hours of night. there is one particular tagalog song that i sing to him. it's 'paano ba ang mangarap?', my favorite lines of which are:

di ko na alam
muli pang mag-isa
mula ng makapiling ka
pagka't ako'y umasa
na lagi kang kasama
laban sa mundo
ay tayo lang dalawa


so i sing this to him, yes to let him know that for me, he's the penulminate. wala nang hihigit pa. in bed this morning, i just realized, i was wrong. just now. how deeply true the lyrics were for me. but on a different note. 'wala nang hihigit pa' is not him, but me.

i think i gave the best of all that i am to this Old Man, na parang wala nang natira, wala nang pwedeng arukin pa, para sa iba. i am alone, i am not lonely. i live in solitude. but if i will go down again to the depths, i could really say that while i have survived the pain, found my strength, and rared ever to exert myself, that Old Man took something from me that still has not replenished, even now. i gave the best of myself to someone who painful to admit it, did not deserve it at all. minsan, nakakahiyang aminin na sya ang tatay ng anak ko.

so siguro yun, yung binigay mo lahat-lahat, ginto at diyamante, sinaid mo yung kaban, tapos mauuwi lang sa wala. wala kang choice. in one dark corner, uupo ka't aminin kahit gaano kasakit. ginamit lang ako. in all those years, boarder lang pala sya sa pamamahay na to. pinagmukha akong p..a, wag lang akuin ang kanya. i feel like a little girl, fussing over this gift wrapped in red, running cloaked in black, so i can get to the celebration on time. getting there, pero late, in the shadows, then nang magpapakita na ako, hayun, maririnig ko sasabihin ng celebrant di ako kilala, ikinakahiya, pagtatawanan. masakit. i gasp in silence. holding myself back. clutching my mouth to stifle the noise, that cry of anguish muffled. and to cry so all alone in that dark corner. malaman mong all along, nag-iisa ka lang pala. sana man lang minahal ko yung nararapat, di sana hindi nakakasayang. mas hopeful ka. ah so. hope. it is hope that i lost.

the truth is, kahit gaano pa ako katigas, kalakas. a part of me has been destroyed when i loved the Old Man. a descanso. a part of me died and is still being mourned for. perhaps that is why i just don't care anymore. stopped caring how i look, what i say, how i carry myself, and what i do in the secret hours. it doesn't matter. because even though i have a heart and from there, i could call forth deep love for yaman, my mom, my family and the many within my circle, still, that heart is chipped, pierced, broken beyond repair. i cannot give the same kind of love, the love that is trademark vitti to another man, ever again. occasionally, in that heart, hope comes but sieves away. hope does not stay. so 'paano ba ang mangarap?' is not my song for him, but for me. paano pa ba mangarap ngayon?

Paano bang mangarap ang isang bigo
Kung ang ligaya'y lalo pang lumalayo
Kailangan bang matulog nang sakdal-himbing
Tumatakas sa mundo at huwag nang magising

Paano bang mangarap ang isang sawi
Kung ang luha'y kapiling bawat sandali
Sana'y naituro mo ang dapat kong gawin
Bago tuluyang lumayo sa akin

Di ko na alam muli pang mag-isa
Mula nang makapiling ka
Dahil ako'y umaasa na lagi kang kasama
Laban sa mundo ay tayo lang dalawa

Paano bang mangarap na magbabalik
At muling gigisingin pa ng iyong halik
Kahit man lang sa huling saglit ng buhay ko
Ang pangarap ba'y magkatotoo?

Di ko alam na muli pang mag-isa
Mula nang makapiling ka
Dahil ako'y umaasa na lagi kang kasama
Laban sa mundo ay tayo lang dalawa

Paano ba ang mangarap kung bigo
At may sugat ang iyong puso
Di ba't kailangan may kaagapay
Pagmamahal mo ay ang tangi kong buhay


The beautiful lyrics courtesy of www.opmlyrics.grabeh.com and the lovely pic from www.fotosearch.com.

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