Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

i love you

thank you
for making known to me your fears
i understand them
and i would want to offer my love
as an instrument of healing
healing your pain
healing your scars
your things of the past
your fear of the future

when i said i love you
i meant the whole world of possibilities
i meant all of you and all of me
in one solid convergence
in what i called forever
no buts no ifs
just forever

and
when you gave yourself to me
you laid down everything
you buried your past
and even silenced it

let me love you as much
with the kind of love i know
and yet to surface
i love you lightworker
i love you shadowman
for you are me
and me is you

lightworker be well now...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Spilled Milk

milk has been spilled
and though milk can be mopped
no longer is it milk
unfit for drinking
gross for consuming
like decisions once final
no longer a decision
but a consequence

talked about but irreversible
regretted but already foregone
so stop stop stop
the pining for spilled milk
decisions made on afterthought

Monday, March 29, 2010

Lizard Heart

perhaps it's not in the size of one's heart
perhaps size is not even commensurate
to its capacity
the heart has the will to sacrifice
knowing not checks and balances
counting not advantages or favors
hearing not clinks or crisps of paper
to the heart
beginnings and endings fade
colors come in all their glory
faith becomes the power to believe
where once there is nothingness
where doubts make their presence felt
and there is occasion for tears and more
this is how much God loves us
to vest in our bodies this small tiny receptacle
to which the worst and the most dreaded
of real and imagined fears
its very beating defeats

Why lizard heart? I was looking for inspiration for today's blog when in the floor of our old house, I saw two lizards playing, with one handing out a small crumb to the other. The other lizard walked away, with the generous one guarding its back. My simple mind asks, if lizards can love like that, how much could humans fare? And on the other side of the room, there the selfless patient husband awaits, so silent and beautiful, despite my brutal question. All of us can love so much without million dollar or profound reasons. Weird yes, but beginning today, every time, I will see lizards, I would always be reminded of this awesome truth.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Emptying

to test whether our decisions are aligned with the will of God, it is said that the feeling after making a decision says it all. there is a kind of stillness that comes, a steady peace that eggs one to move forward. from my experience, i have undergone the same.

with ShadowMan, it was not an instant eureka decision. it came after buckets of tears, a lot of sleepless mornings, and a lot of tugging and pulling of thoughts and memories through text and internet chat. when i decided to let go of the dam that was my feelings; when i decided to let go of my past and embrace my future no matter what, a stabilizing force has set in. i stopped crying. stopped brooding inside my room. for the first time, in about a week, nasinagan ako ng araw. i went out, walked the 30-minute jaunt to the ARC, and was myself again.

only this time, i am no longer the lonely me. for the first time, in five years, and the trees could attest to that, i was walking with the spirit, the thought, the love of a man. i was walking with ShadowMan through the tree-lined streets of murdoch. the decision to be one with him, to meet his family, to plan for a formal union, and the next 50+ years, to carry his name now, although still informally, all came naturally. and this i credit for the God who has been at the center of our universe since day 1. after our first facebook chat, i prayed to Him to please, please help me navigate the waters with this man. for Him to help me sift through my intentions and his.

in this season of Lent, the ever religious ShadowMan has been meditating on the aspect of 'emptying' to God's will and this is my take of it. only when i emptied myself of fear and guilt have i been released to really own and face up to what i have long hoped for in a relationship with a man. this is it. he is it. and like God's will aligned to mine, it has been a straight tree-lined road, with a lot of sun, ever since.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

His Name

today, by the stroke of a pen, ShadowMan reclaimed his family name back from the one who took it by force and guile 10 years ago.

if it can be reclaimed, so could the name be bestowed.

thus today, 27 march 2010, Shadowman bestowed on me the honor of carrying his family name.

today, i am no longer just Annabelle Vitti Corpuz Valenzuela. just like his love and my love for him, i carry his name without question.

Ebed

EBED means 'the anointed one' or 'darling' in hebrew. a trivia texted by ShadowMan attending a Lenten recollection in the hanging gardens of ortigas. so the whole day, i think i called him 'ebed' more than 10 times only to be told tonight, he doesn't like it. that he still prefers being addressed as 'hubby' or 'husband' by the wifey, his 'agum'. so, i was just struck --- do pet names really matter in relationships? angeline calls hers 'babes', itie 'be'. uncle rolly and auntie nina call each other 'sweet' while liza's address each other as 'puso'. is it a matter of staking claim, ownership, or just a love poke? what about those who just call themselves by their names? hmmm, for ShadowMan, i'm serious when i call him by his full first name; angry'ng pa-cute by his last name; and just making lambing, with his nickname. but he still prefers the 'h' names, perhaps because it means permanence, a no-better-state-than-this state, a position vested only on him. the uncounted ending up to be the 'sovereign' one. although, i still prefer 'ebed' --- unique, unusual, unassuming. but then, here, beauty is in the sound of the called. so the 'h' stays, and will prevail. takot ko na lang of my ebed.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Wait

we wait for each other like man and wife waiting for each other's presence at the dinner table. like man and wife sitting by the window, battling off sleep until the other half gets home. i wait here until his ym button turns yellow or his skype marker turns green. as i ram the keyboard to while away the time, my thoughts turn to him as he negotiates traffic from the fort to C-5 en route to pasig. i see him as he smooths his tired eyes, turning watery as he too fights off the weariness of night. i wonder whether his dinner was alright, whether he had too much to drink, how his feet are feeling after being up since 630 this morning. here with the inquirer keeping me company, i await his stories for the day, the sound of his masculine singing voice, his playfulness known to no one but me. i could almost see the lights of his car bathing the green gate where he lives, his hands as he steers the wheel to a stop, takes out his bunch of keys, and opens the door. my heart beats in anticipation. my ShadowMan is home.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Cynics Speak

i could have been as dismissive. it may be because they're loveless now; perhaps heartbroken in the past or just totally never been in love since birth to know loss, contempt, self-pity, sleepless nights, zombie days, suicidal tendencies, and slow death. being in love and falling out of it is no laughing matter. it's easy to joke, 'oh, that relationship won't last long' or 'i give that relationship...one month.' those that can afford to or be that cynical could only be heartless or remorsefully heartbroken to take jokes as a salve, a temporary relief from pain, or a way to be immune of it.

but once they themselves get back into a relationship, whether through memory or another experience, then let's see whether they could take the same joke. whether they could risk putting their relationship under the same timeline. because in reality, and especially for those who dive into it, stark naked and prepared for pain, each day could not be taken for granted. each day is a fight to preserve what has been said, to stand for the commitment, to be raving crazy to prove that love just won't die, not today, not this way.

so i really pity, and wonder how much and what kind of loving one has gathered since childhood, those who love for the heck of it, trip-trip lang. while hats off i am, to those who care not of the battle scars and the lacerations, and still dare to love like the Fool, because they never tire believing. so to the cynics i say, ma-iinlove din kayo. after one month, tingnan natin.                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ang Padangat Ko

ang padangat ko
bicolano
haleng bicol na
hulmahan kan mga ihong
sa pagkamuot
kasing init kan sili
kasing pusog kan isarog
kasing alab kan mayon


masasarigan
kaantabay
kaibanan
sa buhay
asin sa
kasunod pa

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Heaven

the best place to be
is on this side of heaven
taking yourself and bending
to the winds of desire
touching sand, and willows,
shadows fine
yours to take and
mine to give freely
in this side of heaven
i am a prisoner at will



Monday, March 22, 2010

Our Rings (The Tale of Two Rings, Part 2)

Our commitment to forever is now sealed by two rings, one emerald, one ruby. these rings i had since 2004. called them then 'rosary' rings because the inlaid ruby/emerald stones could be used as beads when praying the rosary. my penchant for rosary rings dates as far as 1994 when i had the first one made, a gold band with protruding edges to signify rosary beads, one which i forgot one school night at the highschool wing of adenu and never got to recover.

with mystical influence, i also had the two rings made. i recall auntie nina telling me this story of her officemate in sydney. a successful indian who once advised her that the key to getting the 'power' of gemstones was to have them touch your skin. this indian was wearing a ring with a prominent stone at the center. the stone was a bit deep so it could touch his middle finger. with that, i had an idea. what if i have a ring made but with tiny stones surrounding the band? with this design, the stones are still rubbing against my fingers. it's still within the principle, right?  i wasn't sure whether auntie nina was advised to wear a ruby or emerald ring so to be on the safe side, i have rings made of both.  i was planning to have another one made, of amethyst this time (my birthstone), around 2008, at megamall. the jeweler couldn't understand what i mean of a ring surrounded by amethyst stones so i showed her the two rings. upon seeing them, she said, 'oh, eternity rings!'. so that is what they're called in their parlance.

eternity rings. definitely not bad for ShadowMan and Lightworker who technically are 'not there', a mere technicality compared to all other aspects (psychologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually).  because we cannot be engaged, we had to seal our lasting commitment in some other but not less important way. that's when i thought about the rosary rings, the eternity rings. so last thursday, 18 march, with impromptu but no less sincere 'vows', we sealed love that will not die, love that will fight and fight for, love that will embrace both light and shadows, love that will stand amid the 'despites', 'even thoughs', and 'whatevers' in relationships. a love testifying to eternity.

so Shadowman wears the ruby while i have the emerald. it's a blood red ruby ring that goes well with the need for him to wear a 'fire' element (based on his chinese astro reading according to one website). the ruby is dark red it sets well with his skin, and his masculine bearing.  mine is the emerald, green being my favorite color.  but either way, we could wear both rings.  what is markedly surprising is that the rings suit Shadowman's finger, the fourth on the left. as if the rings were also 'made' for him. well, i have to thank my short stubby fingers for that given my 'cuteness' but still. it was my worry that being made for feminine hands, the eternity rings would not fit Shadowman. but it did. so there. we're wearing it proudly now. we call it our 'commitment rings', our new take to sealing our forever.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Apologies

for two days in between, i have not blogged. no, i'm still myself. no, i am alright. yes, i am very much in love and settled. no, i have rested from fieldwork lest i burn out soon with my frustrations in questioning. i am alive eversince i've made a choice of life. it's just that, the flesh is a bit weak now. literally. i couldn't find the space. i was too tired from travel to be able to lift a finger. so today, before i miss time, space, and physical energy, i am blogging. here with a family welcoming me as their own. i am myself. i am whole. i am extended. i am alright. i am happy where i am.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Tale of Two Rings

two rings
emerald and ruby
set together
for hands
yet to meet
separated by
circumstance and
choice
emerald and ruby
for purposes
now unraveling
destined to
commit
two hearts
to a union
binding
the goal
eternity

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Hard Writing

had a 'not so good' day at writing today. had a slow start at close to lunchtime and while i labored against sleep just after and permitted myself a power nap of 10 minutes before 130p, i still could not find my rhythm. in my mind, a conflicting thought was screaming --- why bother when you would just change it? i would switch from my table near the house altar and the table holding the computer, waiting expectantly for the supe's email, her advice so vital in knowing whether i'm making sense with an interesting finding in my first 3 weeks of fieldwork this finding could change a bit the focus of my research, with an added bonus of still answering the original research questions. but for the whole day, the supe did not answer so i was left wondering, staring at the chapter page, making sense whether to move on or not. i ended up writing one paragraph, about what i'm going to write on the section. i did that, after reminding myself, after a 2-hour lull, of the golden rule in writing and that is, to just write and not think too much of the perfect sentence. but still, there i was, doubting, struggling with the perfect thought to only realize, a bit late, since i'm due to fetch yaman around 430pm, that the thought will not fill the page, but the writing.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Path I Take

when a path leads you to another
it could make sense to take it
there is no time to think
whether the choice is wise
but only the gut feel that
in the end, one may be right
sometimes it is not to seek the light
or the smooth straight path
it is to go into the edge
of truths that bother and unhinge

to be accepted less of a matter
to be challenged is the fodder
the truth and the proof
is to face and finger the edges
of broken scattered half-beliefs
and make them whole

Monday, March 15, 2010

Word Play: Dalandan

dalandan
dalan da dan
dalan na dan
dalan dalan
da land an
dal and an
dan

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Rights Reversals

feminism has been the platform by which women have exerted their rights and freedoms under a patriarchal society. biological determinism, for one, has ruled that women are the weaker sex, subject to the rule of men, whether they be fathers, husbands, brothers, or even dogs.  on the last one, temple grandin once recounted in one of her books (whose title escapes me now) of an abused wife, who wanting to leave her abusive husband, could not do so because the family dog (a stud) was guarding the family car, growling and poising to bite her every time she would get behind the wheel.

anyway, i tend to believe in the view that giving power to one sector in society does not simply mean a smooth reallocation of power, a 50-50 distribution. there never is.  there are times when the reallocation of power causes an imbalance, and with respect to feminism, this has resulted in what susan faludi calls a 'backlash' against women. that's why, in the many decades since feminism reared its head (since the 1930s?), it is said that women are still hard-pressed to make a difference and are now encountering new forms of oppression such as the glass ceiling, imaging disorders, and even anti-feminism from women themselves.

there is another imbalance which i think is necessary to explore, and that is with regard the rights of men. i am not saying men do not have any rights nor am i challenging the view that they do have a superior hold of rights in society. men, i think, have a great deal of public rights compared to women and that is quite evident on their hold of politics, of media, of defense, and of the church.  what i just notice is, with the increasing view of women's rights, have we taken stock of how men's rights have also been reconfigured by the reallocation? when it comes to family life for instance and the issue of divorce and separation, the question has always been what will become of the mother and the child. and there is a tendency to take as given, the welfare of the father. the role of the father in divorce and separation has always been framed in the context of the economic, on the ability to meet alimony, their financial obligations.

but aren't we total persons when we engage in family life? so fathers have social, spiritual and psychological needs too, when it comes to divorce and separation, and this has to be taken account of, also. so it is possible that there is a diminishing on their part also as fathers; the angst of separation, the longing for belongingness and the desire to lash out too against laws that may be presumptuous of how family life should operate once divorce and separation is in effect.  are fathers subject only to have visitation rights? are these rights enough? is it not open for reconsideration for mothers to keep a hold of their children until they are six? how are men stripped of their fatherness under the law? how is masculinity different from fathering? it does not follow, right, that men who do not make good husbands also do not make good fathers? how do we rule and reconsider the exceptions? is it possible for men to be reconstituted differently under the law, in their capacities not only as husbands, but also as fathers for their human rights to be recognized in its totality?

this is not an affront against women who are laboring to raise their children as single mothers. this is not affront against women who have left abusive marriages and are laboring to get their children and be one with them. what i am saying is, there is another person in the picture of a family, and that is the man, to which our long held assumptions of them as dominant, oppressive, and strong has compromised their inherentness and capacities for good fathering to be recognized, and to be also protected under marriage and family law. i feel for these men, for these fathers. it may be time for us to reconsider, and reverse the questioning of rights.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Building Character

jane gave the perfect answer. on the way to michael pinches's house, one december afternoon, i asked why we, we at the Asia Research Centre bother to subject ourselves to such torture, this torture of doing a phd. of looking for a 'development problem' --- dissecting it, stripping it of its bones and structure, spending hot days and endless nights on the field to prove and disprove our arguments, burning oil till dawn to write and analyze, competing for a place in seminars and presentations, all for what? a 100,000 word book. three years in the making, at least. and the most, what? 25 years?

why do we bother? jane said, it's character building, vitti. now i understand. for questioning is the essence of truth. didn't nietzsche ground it all in the concept of perspectivism? we all have the right to search for answers to our questions. that's why any truth can be challenged, including God. because it is not just the problem being dissected, stripped, exposed, pored down, argued against, and proclaimed to the world. it is you and your capacity for questioning, for believing, and standing up for whatever truth you find. against the devils of paralysis, mental block, writer's block, frustration, depression, psychosis and fear.

so vitti, move on. be afraid, yes, but accept it, the fear. embrace it and just let it pass. just let it pass. fear is just visiting. it's just testing you. go on, move on, pick your knapsack, don't forget your umbrella and your water bottle. keep a pen in handy, learn how to use the digital recorder, and don't lose your notes. what stephii calls, your 'lizard shit'.

it's ok, your brain may have been addled with age, it takes a lot of practice to make smart follow-up questions, it takes a lot of patience to work with deadlines, with different people and your own impatience.  you can always walk your fears away, anyway. little would you know, you're in your nth community and everything else will be routine. you will find your momentum. you will find your groove. build. character.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Where Serpents Lie

the son does not live by bread alone
but by the power of words bending will to evil
while he longs for truth at straws he clasps
for truth is scattered, not whole
prone to forgetting, vulnerable to unbelieving
so developed may be a mind bright
but not the heart in search of what's right
in the future, the son is prepared for tears
to listen more to doubts and fears
and we need not wonder why
for as long as there he lives
where seething serpents lie

This is dedicated for you, my sweet little boy. May you find a way out of there. 

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ghosts

a wisp of brown passed, just behind me. ShadowMan saw it. while i insisted there is no one else in the living room but me. he didn't say anything more. but i bet he saw the figure hovering still, behind my back and probably just standing close to me. must be the old grandmothers of this house. my lola anday who always wore brown, wearing her hair in a bun. she was born deaf so only gestures or wails to make a point. perhaps they all live here still. lolo ayong, lolo ciano, lola abeng, may, and daddy. old souls roaming. trying to make their presence felt. if only for that man on the other side.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Love in Little Hands

i couldn't fetch her today since i vowed to write the whole day. so what a surprise it was as she handed me three purple flowers, plucked by the roadside along magsaysay avenue. and while she sat down and unloaded her bag, excitedly took out her test papers, glowed as she showed the perfect scores to 'is' and 'are' matching. and as i asked, 'can i send these to daddy?'. she said, 'opo' as she flashed that knowing smile. today, ShadowMan and Lightworker are happy proud parents to Yaman as in cyberspace i sent him pics of test papers with the three bunch of purple flowers on top. a bunch held by little hands filling big hearts to the brim. a bunch held by the stout heart of a child who on the way home gathered them, her memory fresh of a waiting mom and a dad she has only seen in pictures but alive to her by the sound of his voice. it is this memory of love i would die for, that will make our love stay, that makes us belong to each other. as i've told ShadowMan before, our love is much too much to be confined to just the two of us. it is not only for Yaman but for those that surrounds us, in this constellation of love and relationships that envelop us. and so we start with Yaman, whose love in little hands sustains us and wraps us in a bunch  strong enough for our hearts to hold.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My Sanity

ShadowMan is on the other window, staring at me while i write this blog. he has a tired face, eyes red from waking early at 520am today. having only 3 hours of sleep as i took his time until 230am this morning. but still he manages to keep his eyes open while ym-ing with me. he still manages to smile and send me kisses over cyberspace like a little boy. the same face that i long to see at the end of the day. the same face, voice and presence that brings me back my sanity. i, whose dread and anticipation of fieldwork gives me restless days and nights. i am nowhere at peace every time i'm reminded that i'm a woman here in naga supposedly doing my phd. i am nowhere sane. in between crazy and fearful. and i have yet to find my rhythm.

but at the end of the day, i still seek ShadowMan who reminds me of my place as a mother and daughter as he too dotes for yaman and cares for my mom; as a woman as our desires for each other meld the spiritual, the physical, the intellectual, emotional and instinctive; as a bestfriend as we share the burden of secrets and promise of aspirations, of 'things' that only he and i know and could acknowledge; as one's strong and even, stronger side as from time to time we contend with doubts and reservations of ourselves given the trauma of the past; and as one's eternal half, with whom one is committed, to finish half the road of life with, for whom life expectancy is worth extending, and motherhood is worthwhile bearing a second time. ShadowMan brings me back to earth where i belong. and while he assures that we are doing this phd together, and he is ever supportive of my need for quiet private time as i do my rounds and notes and musings every day while on fieldwork, the totality of his presence and what i am in the company of that brings me back to the totality of who i am. it is not lost with ShadowMan --- these and the other facets of life that make me.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Dark Rings

puffy covered in circles
straining to see and open
aware of dread lines
of lines unmet, broken
aware of fruitless searching
of throughs that won't break
the fieldwork that makes
you work the field
and contend with
dark rings
going round and round
to nowhere

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Consumma

when you look at me that way
i become aware that i am a woman
and while my desires could fit in boxes
for you it cannot be contained
i am aware of my emotions as rivers
whose tributaries lead to you
the mountains peak to kiss the clouds
in caves and summits we are one

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Of shrek, edward and shadowman

shadowman is shrek and lightworker is fiona. he is edward cullen and so, i'm bella swan. how could i tell my daughter i am in love with a man fit enough to be her father? in perth, i was in a quandary finding 101 ways to explain. until i got home, to find out that the shortest distance between two points is a line. which means that even for a child, the simplest and most sensible way is a straight answer. so while i introduced to yaman shadowman with the analogy of shrek and edward cullen, i resorted and finally ended up with associating shadowman with fatherhood. for yaman, he is not a tito or tio. he is no other but "daddy". this may be a bold move on my part but it is the most honest as far as being a mom to my daughter is concerned. i could never lie to yaman thus i could not hide the truth about shadowman by pretending that he is no other but shadowman is so much flesh and blood to be likened to an ogre or even a vampire. he might possess their exceptional love and devotion to their halves but shadowman far exceeds by living out the character found in the cartoon and fine print. and why delay the inevitable for someone willing to embrace the responsibility as if yaman was his own? and in boding well the future, yaman readily warmed to it. she seems to have understood. she seems to have appreciated the trust. now she calls him "daddy" while looking at his pictures, made a drawing of herself with "mommy" and "daddy m", and insisted on picking out a pet for her "daddy m" from her sticker collection of pets. the heart probably knows. there's no other way to teach love to a child.

Friday, March 5, 2010

No Off Day

it must be the weather or fieldwork jitters, but i got a bit off today. so off that i could not stand the chatter of children's voices this morning as i was going through the list of communities i'll cover; or ira's stored songs in the pc so i had the transfer from the dining to the bedroom just to work seriously. so off i dozed while lying in bed trying to make sense of my notes. so off i forgot it was a friday and i had to abstain from meat, and ended up having sinigang na spareribs for lunch. ugh. i wanted a day's rest but at the end of the day, i know i couldn't just settle at home. i have to move my butt and go on with my rounds of urban poor communities as soon as possible. so tomorrow, off or not, i'm going around naga to start coordinating. no sense in texting, which i have done since march 1. and it's a saturday tomorrow. a day when everyone's home. a day when everyone's off from work. but not me. no off and on day for the postgrad researcher. no choice but to work everday. no sunday moments here. i'm now about to take on the reality of phd fieldwork.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Something More

Something More is a song composed by Johnny Go, SJ and Manoling V. Francisco, SJ and sung by Lea Salonga. The song was just re-discovered by ShadowMan today while he was arranging things at work. It was in a CD of songs he copied to his i-pod today.Till he drove home to work later today and played the songs, he wouldn't know how the song would resonate our love story . Of two broken hearts who no longer believe for the sake of not believing but deep inside, cease from giving up, as the answers to the questions have long been answered, even before hearts have been broken. We both refuse to believe that the strife and pain our respective partners gave us is all there is to the present and future. Somewhere in the distance, I too look up the stars some nights and say, that out there, that love I have been waiting for is breathing under the same stars, may be loving another woman, but still blanketed by the same stars. If under these stars, we are together, that is enough for me. So how blessed I am and so is he, that we not only live under the same blanket of stars, but we are living, sharing this space on earth, to breathe true our dreams and longings for each other, in flesh, in blood, in spirit. A face, a body and soul that I can touch and hold close, and bear forth miracles. We are that 'something more' to each other. ShadowMan and Lightworker. It may be corny for some but we are very true. Our love story just is. Ours is a love that will go down in history. We are a testament that love thrives, love exists. In love, there is so much, much more. I love You, ShadowMan. No more for me there is, but you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUehAefxrsg

Beyond my eyes can see
There must be something more
Beneath the surface rush of things
There's something else in store

Beyond this daily strife
There must be more to life
An underlying rhyme in things
I must have known before

Before the seasons changed
Before I grew too wise
I watched the passing clouds
In search of meaning in the skies

I read between the lines
But the verses lost their rhymes
And though I know 
The truth has long been told
I'm still waiting for a sign

Where are you?
You whom I seek to know
Are you the one I'm looking for?
Show your face
Why don't you break your silence now?

Tame the stormy seas within me
Name these shadows trapped inside me
Claim this lost and frightened child
You see in me

I bear my private pains
I go the extra mile
Will you be there beyond this road
To meet me with your smile

Before my very eyes
You'll shed your last disguise
And then I'll realize
I need nothing more
Than the face I'll recognize

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Gone

we're expected to love them, but much like, like what i have, i can't. i do not love her. i don't like her. sometimes, i do not want to force myself to. and i don't even want to forgive. i'm finding her from others. looking for her in the kindness and concern of total strangers. that's one of the ironies of my life. i cannot love her although i must.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Day to a Mom

a mother's day
is never done
not until
the little one
sleeps
and sleeps blessed
not until
the monster
of fear departs
not until
breathing's stable
and in slumber
the fragile body enters
but until then
still your heart is awake
still fear is a partner
still breathing is erratic
mind racing to panic
to a mother
night becomes day
it is never done

Monday, March 1, 2010

Surrendering, Ultimate

up to what extent can you love a man? i, i want to fade and surrender. as if i need to be defaced, to be totally shorn from who i am to be one with him, completely. but there lies the contradiction. because once i lose myself i know i cease to be the one he loves, the one he wants. i cease to be me which is the essence of what i bring to the relationship. and the essence of what relationship means. but perhaps this is what ultimate loving is, and to love the ultimate man.