Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

In Your Will and In Your Time

strange, but it must be how the universe works.

i failed to attend mass the past 2 sundays, first because of sickness on the first and of a skin regimen that needs resting on the second.  i have been feeling low for the same past 2 weeks ---balancing relationship needs, tending to Yaman and her impossible thoughts at 5, and this frustration over fieldwork. i went to mass today to just attend mass. the priest may have just been there to give one. but in the mysterious workings of the universe, his sermon on the women with 7 husbands and how Jesus was tested by the Sadduccees on a question on the afterlife, brought me back to my senses.

The priest's challenge was for us not to concentrate on the question but on the motive behind it. that our tendency is in questioning God of the events unfolding in our lives.  the motive in our questioning is the pride innate in our being human, but at fault nonetheless. because our pride leads us to think that we do not deserve to face these defeats and disappointments. that we are so puffed up with self-importance we forget our place as mere specks in the sands of time.

i have been to a lot of questioning and to less of praying lately that i have forgotten one mantra that i keep repeating every day i get to pray, 'In your Will and in your Time, Lord.'  I seem to be forcing a lot of issues even though they are still in their inception stage. I have forgotten the glory in unfolding, the prize of patience.

Last night on TV, i saw this old lady, the lola of a 12-year old kid with Morquio syndrome. i think she was asked how she learned to accept the fate of her grandson. she surprised me when she answered, 'kailangan tanggapin ang ganitong sitwasyon dahil basta tinanggap mo ng maluwag, Sya na ang bahala. bakit hindi tatanggapin ang isang kaloob ng Diyos?' what is there not to accept from the God who knows all things?

the answers i seek were in an ordinary Sunday mass and a grandmother whose serene face i could not forget since yesterday. there would never be a God this good. Thank you Lord. In your Will and in your Time.

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