the phd is reaching a point where ShadowMan and i had to adjust. adjust on the times we spend texting each other. the times when long silences and unanswered texts are becoming the norm (usually from my part). when sometimes talking over cyberspace is not enough to bridge divides brought about by one mind working on other things than just skyping.
long before this started though, i told him already that i will reach a phase, in doing this phd, of absolute crankiness, moodiness, aloofness. in short, i will slowly be showing my horns. as much as i try to balance, i would inevitably be imperfect, and in due course, hurt the people i love. and i am talking not only of ShadowMan, but also Yaman, my mom, my bestfriends, my siblings, Elvie our household help, people within sighting radius.
because i need to be selfish once in a while with my time. because time is a valuable resource when it comes to doing a phd. i do not want to use the excuse --- because i'm just human. because i'm naturally human. i could not be anything more. instead i say, because it just happens. it's an inevitable part of being in relationships. the give and take is not always 50-50 as sometimes the pendulum bends a little bit deeper on the other end because of the circumstance.
change is a constant but also conditional state. we adjust because of the conditions. in my relationship with ShadowMan, i do not proclaim to be a God(dess). but i will always be me. perhaps that is the more important thing. the essence of the woman Shadowman loves is there. she happens to be just doing her phd.