can't devote 100% to writing this morning. partly because of the frequent trips to the bathroom from drinking hot water and green tea alternately, and which, the other part, made me more aware that my period hasn't come. and i'm late for what? 5 days now. good that the pregnancy test last wednesday yielded 'negative' but still, 5 days is already abnormal for a very regular menstruating middle-aged girlalu like me. so i couldn't stop worrying while writing, checking now and then, looking ahead to nothing. the reason is that, i'm about to go on hcg protocol in the next two days to cure my hypothyroidism, and i have began taking hcg injections since yesterday. what if i'm pregnant? would the protocol harm my baby now that i've started it? can i leave the program and return to it after? how am i going to write my chapters then? how about yaman? are we going to leave naga now?
until suddenly, i got this gmail chat message from steph --- she's pregnant! and for about 10 minutes, i forgot myself. found myself in facebook, writing to her, to not worry so much about the future. yes, there are still more chapters to write. but then, there's baby growing inside you and she needs your optimism now more than ever. i'm not saying the other world has to stop just because of the baby. neither worlds will, and somehow, in the mysterious but amazing weavings of the One Up There, these worlds will not collide, but rather meld, in time. told her to see a doctor she trusts, to take her vitamins regularly and just be happy. to pray more even.
and somehow in that simple fb message to steph, i felt relieved of my own cares. of my worries about this blood that just won't drip and drop now. of course there are limitations but the possibilities are endless and the space i see myself in may not be as narrow or suffocating as i think it is. and somehow, in the dark corners of my worries, a little light is showing. telling me, assuring me to believe, to trust, to hold the present more strongly than the future; in that way, the future will be shaped, amazingly, to our liking (on hindsight yes...). so here, with the earphones in but without the music of bach (because of forgetfulness and silliness), i listen to my fingers drumming on the keys and i laugh at myself. it would take a good friend to nudge the faith i have inside. now i'm ok. i'm moving forward.
*Taking after Steph's business name in S'pore: Little Miss Write