Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Love You

i love you
i love you
i love you

Friday, March 30, 2012

Thanking

on a Friday, no more energy left to 'fight' the day. so headed up to Ina and our Lady of Mt Carmel to raise the travails of the day. to release and be grateful still of what has been gathered and given.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Prelude to the End of the Field

two months is not enough to cover all. it is not enough to cover the collection of real estate data, which may be considered essential at this time although later may even be worthless. i could say, 80% of the target has been reached and these fieldwork shoes could be hang, and left to hang to mark 11 months of fieldwork overall. 3 months from march-may 2010; 6 months from oct 2010-mar 2011 and 2 months from feb-mar 2012. exhausted and still uneasy but this is all there is from what i could and under the conditions entered. the thesis would have to be written from here.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Reality from a Window

after fasting since midnight last night, had brekkie at naga garden because my stomach was longing for hot soup. took advantage of having asado mami which could be found nowhere in australia.  while waiting for the order, glanced out of that big wall of a window characteristic of naga garden and saw life, in its reality unfold. a woman bringing a pack of plates. two young lovers playing catch in front of a motorcycle. an officer in blue rushing to his post in panganiban. an old woman in houseclothes who perhaps bought a day's food from the market. a young man pushing his carton of mangoes. two young ladies in school uniform, looking at the window like a mirror to check their hair foremost. a young man in a white nursing uniform. an old man, with face withered with age, in a blue cap. viajeros sonsisting of five adults and four children alighting from a ford fiera obviously relishing the idea of having a hearty breakfast of mami, siopao and coffee just like me. while a stranger like me looks out of that window, thinking of how the day should be structured, lived, so are all these people. with or without direction, we all breathe the air of this earth all the same.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Kakan Naga

beef asado mami and siopao from naga garden
pancit malabon, chicharon bulaklak sa podo grill
mani luto ni rebecca
maki sa bicol lunch
lomi sa graceland
black forest ni michelle lim
banana cue, baduya sa likod kan e-mall

sa aga asin masunod na aga, mga aldaw
balut, siguro tulo
ensaymada gibo kan new york bakery
sarong pasipara sa chakoy
asin ano pa daw?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Quitting

my niece, ira, quit today from baztekhan, her mom's karate club.  she quit because karate is just not for her. not the physical labor because she's athletic. not the fighting in public because she plays basketball tournaments in school. perhaps it's more the discipline that taking on karate as a vocation entails. she quit. and while at first, i didn't like the thought that she did so before the start of summer school; later after her mom explained, ira earned my respect for it. honest as she is, she doesn't like karate. and she wouldn't be prodded to enter and struggle through a sport because her mom and stepdad are veteran players of it.

so there, quitting is honesty. to be honest enough not to end up a fool in pursuing a dream, a wish one can't keep. so quitting is not losing after all. the big losers are those who can't even seem to start.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

You Two

just having the two of you around is enough shade in a day racked with the labor of breathing.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Sick

sick
tired
overloaded
stressed
harassed
worried
insecure
unsure

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yaman's Away

away on her first camping trip, there is a sense of unease seeing the sala without clutter, quiet without the patter of her bare feet and her occasional jumps to reach the chinese tassels hanging on the ceiling. there is no one calling out 'mommy' in her nasal pa-cute voice. it feels like i'm in perth alone with myself, and lonely. i miss my Abalantung now that she's away. it's like a taste of the future.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Great Fieldwork Bag

9 compartments in all so can hold documents, toiletries, techie gadgets, water and whatever anik-anik.

Roomy and flexible.
Cool to sling and low maintenance since dust and water-proof. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

God Meets the Volcano

you are just so good to me. your kindness really matters. in negotiating this long and tough road, the patience is worth it.  worth going through.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

My Acer

there is an ant infestation in this acer computer. how i wish it has not affected the hard drive. because kahit ano pang sabihin ng iba that acer is cheap, inferior at hindi pwedeng ipang display sa starbucks, this netbook has been with me since 2009, even before my phd journey began. and i intend to have it with me way past the finish line...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Irony of Hypocrisy

from the corona trial i get this: the rich get everything. huge salaries, tax waivers, allowances, preferred rates in bank accounts, platinum cards for flying. and that's just one from government. and then the same government shakes it head in legislating favorably on the minimum wage. it's just the same for donor banks. adb pledges to stop poverty but cannot help rewarding its executives with tons of money and perks per month (housing allowances, family-based support). if these salaries and perks are spread out to its supposed constituency, the poor, then poverty reduction may be a goal attainable. but that's just not how the world works. and so as we sigh over the doors opened for the rich, we look our lowly maids and shrug our shoulders that we are indeed paying them like slaves.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Yaman's Tinda-Tindahan

she urged me to play tinda-tindahan. said yes casually and voila! these show how she arranged her 'wares'. very organized, with system pa.




Thursday, March 15, 2012

Will

will, will and will...I love you...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Come

come, come and come

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Missing Perth

where am i at this time of day? i'd rather think about words and not dwell on thoughts. just tired and missing the tiny nook of a room there in windelya.

Monday, March 12, 2012

No to Migraine

for 2 days, experienced what hell was like with mens and a migraine. sleeping doesn't help. just lying in bed worsens the pain. soft pillows are useless. only soups were the salve. wheats in bread and pizza the ultimate downers.  will see whether it's in the sugar and not doing sun salutations as regularly as before. i'm just not getting that migraine ever again.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Tooth Jaw

i don't get a toothache so can't recall when i last had one. but this one right now is apparent the time i wole up before dawn friday. for someone not accustomed to one, having a tooth ache sets out quite strongly. the more i open my jaw, i feel the pain and there's even a sound right now. so what is wrong - the right tooth? the jaw? what's wrong?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Out of Grief

a way to get out of grief is to literally get out there and do something new. to get up each day and look forward to something one can do, out of the ordinary and the routine of the past 40 years. to walk through new doors, open new windows and meet, interact with new faces. grief is not the one which will go and walk away, but you. so at a certain point, the questioning must stop, and for answering to begin, albeit slowly, by taking that fearful first step.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Pag Ako Gurang Na

sure
dai ko malingagawan
ang mag bra kung naluwas
magamit ning pustiso
maiwas man
paggamit halabang payong
pagpa-dye ning sami
pagsulot ning gray
dai mo tabi
man lingawan
na magpagirumdum
ikurahaw mo
asin
magpabisto ka

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

What's Your Tipping Point?

for any bad habit, bad condition, there is a tipping point. at one point, you will have enough. enough of fast food stuff, of eating from the can, of eating loads of rice, calories and the burden of regrets later. of being sluggish, of living a life driving through the horror streets of manila. of always relying on pills, inhalers, nasal sprays to feel any better, and not. you will have enough of the whining, nagging wifey. and you will say and nudge yourself, 'enough, i want to get better'. mine was at 39, in fear of diabetes and the fear of leaving behind an orphaned daughter before she turns 7. don't wait to be driven to the hospital on stretcher because of procrastinating, and saying 'bahala na'. time waits for no woman, or man. even though how emotionally strong they are, strong men had to be strong physically too.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Brownout

it's brownout again
the wifey's in bed with yamani
time to do this from this side of the world

Monday, March 5, 2012

Yaman's Blog

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Up Above the world so high
like a diamond in the sky
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
how i wonder what you are?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Poor as Exploiters

the case study tried to capture the life of an organization, its big travails and little triumphs. still my mind is still trying to sanitize. still trying to block out what has been pointed out as the 'squatter mentality'. if i dwell on this, i would have to face the view of poverty as a mere excuse of the poor. of the poor who are exploiters of government, whiners in public but exploiters in private.  in the asia research centre where poorness becomes the platform for political questioning, how will poorness as strategy-making be accepted as a contra-ideology?

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Friday, March 2, 2012

Traversing Worlds

i have no choice but to transcribe interviews from phase 2 fieldwork. compelled to write case studies of at least two organizations before leaving in april. for now, i do not want to leave anymore. with yaman already being not just talkative, but conversational. now that she's already fond of embracing, i'm feeling like a real mom to her again. but like worlds i have to traverse, leaving is inevitable in the future. so leaving is a must. but now, staying and making the most of spaces with work, leisure and love takes priority.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Descent

if fieldwork is a mountain, then i'm now on descent.