Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Monday, April 30, 2012

What You Sow

it's not just your failure as a father. it's the failure of your whole family and how dysfunctional it must be for an innocent child to live where there is selfishness, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness.  you could have done better. she could have done better. but you are both too ignorant and too angry to care about the consequences to your only son.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Monday's Working Day

to squeeze cooking, washing, and other forms of housekeeping (tipig, linig here and there) in a day could test one's strength. i must really be intent to finish because Monday is now a working day. hala, trabaho lang vitti!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

His Unhappiness

it's unusual to see him this way. easily angered by the petty stuff. easily defensive. those eyebrows meeting and the forehead wrinkled by frowning. i believe that he is dealing with an unhappiness that have failed notice before. an unhappiness that cannot be cured by the love i give. but which i think, a solution would come from deep within him. it's unhappiness about an aspect of his life that he has yet to reconcile with. of issues buried but never fully comprehended. of wounds that have superficially healed and yet to stanch. i love you and i would never leave you. but to deal with your pain is to face it, and unleash the anger within.

Friday, April 27, 2012

The Motions

what would i blog for today? what were the highlights? what moved me? why are these worth writing about. and there in front of me, is the endless white. the endless white now with black letters as i continuously ask, what should i blog about today?

Thursday, April 26, 2012


the strategy under crucial conditions is to write effectively. and that, is to write for a chapter. not for a working paper, a journal, a presentation. but for a chapter. finish a chapter and you would have inputs for a working paper, a journal, a presentation. time now has to be spent on consolidating the primary literature, the primary arguments and breakthrough ideas.

it is also a time for balance. to listen and at the same time, take heed not to compromise the positions taken within the debate. it is like following the rhythm of the song, respecting the tempo, but consciously crafting and toning one's voice, one's own take of the song.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

No Let Up Now

i should be resting at home. i should not bother reading. but like a prisoner ready for the scaffold, there is no time for slacking. like every minute should be milked of whatever can be done. if this is just a stage, then i'll just go through it. perhaps there really is much time and i'm just getting paranoid. but one is better paranoid than sorry at the end of the deadline.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Yaman's Only Sleepover

i wonder whether letting yaman sleep over tonight at the neighbor's is a good idea. i'm having this feeling of discomfort again like the one when she camped overnight on march 21 at haciendas de naga. i said yes to make good on a promise made 2 weeks ago that she can sleep over but only once at her ate ayen's house, three houses away from her. but the discomfort of my mom has rubbed on me. the next 12 hours would be the longest for me, and hopefully not for my daughter.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Hating Blogger Still

I hate's new blog design/ template/ structure. It's such a mess. If it ain't broke, why fix it?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Another Disappointment from

the update of is not update but a downgrade. how disappointing, this sanitized view. as if i'm writing in a hospital.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Lugaw atbp

lugaw at iba pa
ibebenta ng sariwa
panglaman sa sikmurang
sa sigarilyo kumakalam

lugaw at iba pa
pang umaga, hapunan
magkalaman kahit barya
kahang plastik na marungis

lugaw at iba pa
ikakayod sa daanang putik
malamanan lang ang pamilya
na hapag kaina'y sahig

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Yaman's Red Apple

this summer will be remembered with Yaman living in her liittle red tent which she has obviously outgrown. everytime we skype starting at 7pm, that red tent in the shape of an apple is already set up in front of the tv in the living room. there she lays her stuffed toys and pillows, hers and mine. sometimes lola's pillows will be there too. she has outgrown this tent as she can no longer recline inside without legs branching out.  but still, in that tent she finds comfort, a practical solution of watching the tv and at the same time enjoying a warm soft nook to hang around.  in the memories of her childhood, it would always be present. her life inside a red apple where whatever thoughts and secrets a girl at 6 could hold.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The PhD Creed

i should be steady.
i should stick with strategy
i should define the day and not vice versa
i should trod and plod, in the hard times
i should not slack, in the happy times
a time for faith to be greater than belief
for will to loom larger than capacity
and courage bolder than strength

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Happy Multi-Tasker

it's been a productive day. despite the problem with ants in our kitchen which delayed leaving to 845pm, got to uni just in time to review and begin the revisions on chapter 3. back home at 415pm, washed flags and even got to cook one beef dish on the side while rinsing the flags twice and hanging them outside.  after the beef dish, the chicken dish was also cooked. by 7pm, i have eaten dinner as well and washed the dishes. i'm glad. now i deserve to play lumosity and scramble, while getting to read and skype with Yaman alternately. the Hubby would be home soon.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sacrificing Sunday

tomorrow, a Monday, is supposed to be my Sunday. a day of rest, which is not actually accurate. not that i do not do anything because here laundry washing, cooking and cleaning are all compressed in 8 hours. what i rest from is leaving the house for uni. as maintained, this day of rest is a must for someone who imposes 'rest' days. but as circumstances demand, this rest day may have to be surrendered. so tomorrow, a figure unfamiliar to motorists would be walking by south street and nicole would utter a surprised 'you're here!'. if i should finish as targeted, then this sacrifice would intend to be worth it.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Fear Uli

the outline is prepared and the drafts re-read to determine the writing strategy. suddenly, i seriously doubt whether the phd will be finished in record time and under given conditions.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Upcoming Question

mirror mirror
how possible
would it be
to produce
five in seven
and earn
the degree
under time-

Thursday, April 12, 2012


tomorrow as we await the anniversary roundtable conference in the ARC, the chapters will be revisited for the student to make sense of the past and map out a way, strategise how to deliver 5 chapters in 9 months. without losing one's will and to produce with sense and focus. indeed, this is not the time for lame excuses but to go on with the flow and trust the love of the universe.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Being Just a Kid

my mom is up in arms as i permitted my daughter to have her first sleepover at the neighbor's tomorrow. just as she perhaps wonders why i preferred not to enroll the daughter to any kiddie class this summer. in an age where the young have to fit within the schedules and routines made by adults, i still wish for my daughter a life of her own pacing, even for just a few months. a life where she can sleep over with friends, just a stone's throw away from her house but which she can still trust. a life where the luxury of just sleeping, just playing, just watching tv, or just plainly doing nothing could be had like a bottomless pit.  when she gets old, she'll realize how hard it is to trust and how time becomes so precious one is not even entitled to free time without the guilt. in the meantime, let's just let her be the kid that she is, a stage one will surely miss at age 40.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I, the Mountaineer

tomorrow would be the first working day. i have ideas on where and how to start. will check the outline over and over and strategize on the data processing. the climb to the top would be an everyday exercise.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Unsteady Up There

the turbulence started around 3 o'clock in the morning. for more than 30 minutes, the aircraft rocked and wavered to the point i feared for my life. how helpless and pointless would it be to end up a washed up body in the shores of malaysia or indonesia. death could really be unfair as with life.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

How to See

what does it take
to see
the real me
and still fears
in moving on to
and forward
to not focus
on what can't
be undone
to just move
and believe
believe in me

Friday, April 6, 2012

Mixed Emotions

i could consider just not doing it. to just go back to where i was. the past is endearing in the assurance of normality and familiarity. thinking just of existing problems and not this leaving, again, to find meaning to a problem 'found', 'created', or perhaps imagined. in turning points, there must be a respite before the turn. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The World In Between

home to the man of my life while leaving home and my treasure of a daughter. in between these homes, is a world of my own choosing, my becoming, for which hopes and aspirations are to be fulfilled. in this world, the struggle occurs everday in a daily test of mettle and character. padikit-dikit. pasaro-saro. to finally tie my two homes and build just one for the three of us.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


our bonding starts in the evening. we read Dr. Seuss then play 'appear, disappear', 'lemon popsicle', 'nanay-tatay' and 'pik-pak boom'. then from praying. we'll talk whatever comes to mind. for her, i'm the nocturnal mom. for me, she's the nocturnal daughter. it happens. we're just like this for now.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


the fieldwork shoes are hung. after 3 months, 6 months, and 2 months.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Yaman and Vitamins

every night, Yaman prepares my vitamins. takes each colored tablet and puts each and every one in its very own space in this plastic receptacle. 6 years ago, she was just a helpless toddler who cannot feed without my hand. and now, slowly through the years, she will take over with loving, strong hands.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Hubby and One Free Day

i love you too my saved me again from not being able to blog from the weariness.

will there ever be a free day? after having covered 80% of the research universe, still i long just for one free day of not going out of the house. to be able to ingest the smell of cooking, yaman's hair and perfume, the bodies of our lazy askals, and the pinks, greens, browns, yellows of the home i know, and will always come back to. just one free day Lord, one free day before thursday.