Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Hag is Queen

how did miles say it? 'it's not as if we're engaged or something...'

truly not. i still don't consider you a friend. just a colleague, which i should get along with for my team to stay afloat.

we're still on a chessboard.  myself on the tiles, learning the rules, knowing where to stand, careful of my front and back, praying for the chance to play and stay in every move.

Revision Stage: October

chapter 2 done, so far.

chapter 1, started today. didn't go past the first sentence.

had to download, check, analyse and revise stat data.

little by little. effort by effort. from period to period.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Never Mind

on a holiday but working from home. i feel guilty watching tv, playing games on iphone, blogging like this, and occasionally texting.  i'm getting locked again into the working mode. the working mode that says, you don't deserve rest, play, and plain idle time. so how does one cope with the guilt? MULTI-TASKING!  while preparing the work plan, here i blog, text occasionally while the TV is on - GMA News TV to be exact. i haven't bathed because i need to cook and crush garlic, the smell of which sticks to one's clothes. i have the day all to myself.  never mind the guilt.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I Believe

i believe that to take action is to map the way first
that earnestness is as good as concentration
that the best way to treat a visible enemy is to keep close
that in the face of a death knell, one has to proceed any way
that those who commit help should be asked to
that every stranger deserves to be respected
that to let go is to simply ignore

Friday, October 18, 2013

Blink at 8

the word for the week is blink.

in one blink of an eye, at work, the honeymoon phase is over, the challenge of reality sets in, and it's an uphill climb all the way.

then on another, seeing Yaman grow kikay and crazy over lalaloopsies, squinkies, monster high, one direction, dork diaries, and just anything pink and fancy. one can say that 8 years has gone by, and in the blink of an eye, the baby scooped from my womb at 430pm eight years ago is now her own person.

it is significant that when i was taken out of the operating room to the recovery room at mother's seton that day, the first people i saw, standing beside each other, was my mom and my bestfriend, angeline.  silhouetted by sunny, warm light. my mom, with close to 50 years of motherhood and my bestfriend, with her brood then of 4. a continuity of generations, experience, and wisdom.  two women standing there, welcoming me into their world and perhaps, at one time, breaking into helpless sighs, mumbling, 'goodluck --- kung aram mo lang!...maaaraman mo na ngunyan. hilngon ta daw.'

in my mind's eye, i still see angeline clutching a ripe yellow papaya, saying something like, 'para marahay ka sa laog.' that time, i needed more healing than the physical internal wounds of childbirth.  it would take more than just papaya to heal. what was symbolic was that angeline was there, my bestfriend who went early into motherhood, whose 'knowing' is deep. i would do all right. we would do all right.  one day at a time. until the diapers are discarded for infant underwear. from egging them to sleep with lullabyes, to singing with and even fumbling over lyrics and tune, as they rat in toto 'Best Song Ever'  by one direction. all 8 years passed in one blink.

so like my mom, gie, and all my mother-friends, we marshall on. living our own stories of warmth, discovery, stress, sorrow, resignation, and anticipation in motherhood.  our children love us but they may not like us all the time.  sometimes they stay for the wrong reasons, and leave for unexpected ones.  sometimes the only home they go home to is our heart, our memory.  despite our nagging presence, eventually they become who they truly are. that's just it. no hard and fast rules. only endless OJT.  the sighs will come but we stay on and continue believing.  until the next blink.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Blink and Bubble

i felt it even before leaving for work. a brooding sense of doom.  no such thing as a perfect company but to see the veneer shed off in less than two months has to be absorbed on a tuesday. why did you all blink? as on a monday, the bubble burst. and like naga city and mayor robredo, i came to see them in real light. the posturings are just in the exterior. and i came to see how difficult, and possibly short the road could be. but there is no road ahead but this. so off i go.  reflecting on happiness and what it means as a choice.  in Desiderata it says, 'Strive to be happy'. indeed, it is a hard choice to be happy.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Perfect Pork Sinigang

could it be the onions, red this time? red onions rare in perth. could it be the tomatoes? local ones, sliced in chunks to bring out the taste.  could it be the pork loin? chosen because it looked fresh, indeed, they tasted fresh. so today, cooked the perfect pork sinigang. perfect because it tasted just like my mom's, even without using sinigang mix.  just what i deserve on a working sunday, alone here where i live.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Revisions and Sleep

however the night has been, lack of sleep or excess, deep or slight sleep, you have to wake up every morning, except on a sunday, to work on your revisions vitti.  yes, you are slow, working still on chapter 2 since september. but it is better to work on a slow pace, rather than not work at all. so today, you gathered 30min of revising time, working on Castells.  be happy for it. you have moved. you're in page 17 now. you are making good progress.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Threshold

on the way home, there was this family, sitting on the pavement in front of the park just downstairs west of the office building. the daughter must just be 3 years old, in ponytail, and enjoying some goodies. the dad is just beside her, wiping leftovers from her mouth away and lovingly touched her forehead. how i wish Yaman and i are like this. how i wish i'm going home to her every night. that i get to pat her, cup her lovely face, ask and see how her day was looking at her bag, her clothes, listening to her stories of whatever. how i wish she's here beside me, preparing for bed, praying together. ever since i came back and hadn't have the chance to spend more than a week in naga, we have had a connection common to all bonded mother and child.  the gesture of the dad in the park was enough to tell me that Yaman and I have crossed a threshold. our love for each other is way beyond barriers.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Out of the Comfort

moving out of one's comfort zone is really discomforting. it forces you carry newer and heavier responsibilities than usual. it forces you think more before you do. it forces you to think beyond yourself. and wish that there is a daughter, a mom, that i could go home to at the end of the day. it forces you to take in the silence and whiteness where one lives. to take in solace in replenishing one's energy through prayer and constant affirmation of strength, wherever it may come from.  one stops to question, and quest instead for answers from finding both will, and way.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Kasabihang Bago

how does that say again?

pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo din ng mamon?
if there is no way, prayer will show where
tumatanda ka man, bumabait ka pa rin.

ok, it's the real world. will navigate the waters.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Back to Daily B

i miss this. i miss not only thinking about but also writing about my life, my day, another's life, one critical observation, or just letting the fingers play and reach and capture whatever thought is there. i miss this.  suddenly, i realise blogging every day is still really important.