in a split second, the question, 'of all the hard work, why did i get to this?'.
in how i handle my faith, i've always believed on 'God's plan'. that in five, 10 or perhaps a year, i will get to understand the wisdom of this thesis - the pace of it, the twists in dealing with Jane's supervision, and the turns in having to negotiate work, family, and health commitments along with it.
it's already exasperating. i long to sleep on until six every day now. i long to have a Dr. before my full name or that three letter word 'PhD' that means leaving my daughter for four years since 2009-2013 is worth it. i long to publish a book on the social history of slums in Naga and its politics. i long to be released from the agony of revising. i long to be free from a Hangman position where intelligence and character is tortuously tested.
but in longing, i must do my thing. i must settle down and drive with rage to finish. rage is what keeps me going. the rage to get this thesis over the hill, and the little mountains ahead. rage, rage, rage. you have to get on with it, Vitti.