Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Friday, October 31, 2014

Cry for Help

it was the neglect. the feeling of not being trusted. work trivialized, and even demeaned.

the trusted one on top also had their moments. also clammed up. decided not to get involved. perhaps undergoing a similar catharsis, the disbelief, the loss of purpose. the feeling of losing one's purpose within the team, the lost purpose of leading, being a part of it.

and to be strong gets one to an even lonelier road. when in even articulating cries for help, one meets deadening silence. so it's not true after all. there is no one out there who really cares. really wonders how you are, just for your sake. no one. and best friends cannot be depended at this point. they think it's just work. they think you've been through similar travails, and you'll get through. assumptions, analogies, and silences. you do not get any attention, no consolation of a text, a phone call, nothing.

no wonder suicides come at a surprise to close friends, love ones. they do not get the cue. they all rely on physical markers. there is no attempt to understand the longing behind the sentences. they want more proof beyond the literal cries for help - as in help me, i need you, can you please be my friend now?

the back hurts, the neck hurts, the heart hurts.

who will listen? who will call? who will care?

Monday, October 27, 2014

Motivating

tired. right arm in pain, ngalay. back in pain, need massage. need to run, but still with mens.

the only consolation yesterday was the swim here at FW. although pool water felt sticky, dirty at the edges. still, the water felt light, comforting. what did Sir Mar, veteran swimmer and diving instructor, say about swimming? "Just glide with the water. Don't fight it.'

today and in less than 2 hours, no choice but to work. a lot to think about. the targets, the reports, the future, the plans, and these deeper dreams.

go on Lightworker, you Woman of Pentacles. trust, repair and build for the better.

it's just an impossible road. but You are getting There

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bestfriend-Lover

Shall i forego having a Bestfriend-Lover?

What you should let go of Vitti is the expectation, that you will fnd him, discover that he's the one you've been missing all your life, and the one who'll stay --- in one go. Trust thar similar to your female bestfriends, you will get to know what you are to each other in the worst and most awkward of circumstances. Both of you will quarrel, debate, trade barbs, endure heavy silences, but in each instance, with a growing respect for each other. There is no one go in anything serious  Keep calm. He is manifesting inspite of himself.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Adik sa Alimit

Kapagalan na dai mababayadan
Sakripisyo na bakong oras ang bilang
Mga kulog buot na tadum sa hawak
Para saimo Alimit
Mabuo, magdanay ka lamang

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sulit

Ay sulit
Sa pagal, tiyaga, pag~intindi
Dai man nakua ang gusto
Nagrarum man pagrukyaw
Sa tao, sitwasyon

Monday, October 20, 2014

By the Window

I don't like window seats. They keep me hemmed in, feeling cornered whether beside is a man or woman. But tonight, I just like to sit by the window and look at the vast unknowable dark beyond. As I think about the Daughter crying over goodbyes back home, and The Man who won't take goodbyes this easy.

I Can't Be this Afraid, but I Am

this blog has always been my refuge.  when i couldn't funnel my frustrations, this post helped me cry, once more. this blog is my escape. with this post, it helped me dream, believe, even for a vision not complete. this blog is a witness of transitions as in this post, i welcome another belief, a final reality.

for now, i hang in the balance of how The Man responds, what he refuses not to do, what he will settle for.  we may start all over again, and rewrite the premise. or we get to pause...and ignore the ending this way.

he is very strong, very real, and very frightful to acknowledge one's feelings for.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Calm before the Kill

in playing tennis, there is a moment before hitting the ball that everything stops. breathing halts, the eye concentrates, and even footwork comes to a standstill. before hitting the ball. the coup de grace. the stillness before the kill. and one gets to a certain calm, a fullness in intent. this is what Coach Rollie emphasizes as the perfect stance, the perfect state before hitting a tennis ball. and i wonder, in what ways does tennis mirror life in such proportion? the calm before the crushing blow, before the final embrace, before the last goodbye.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Complaining

The rule is this - for any complaint, there should be a suggested solution. Complain as cool as possible and calibrate depending on need and the situation. Anger has a reason. We can shout as much, scream. If you can hold your breath longer, do so. But do not hesitate to show your fangs.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Riddle

The sound of rain
Men's voices
An intersection
Bald men
Personification
Wrong

Monday, October 13, 2014

Wish

Someone who's real, and strong, and here.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

My Place

one good thing about having a place of my own is this --- the freedom to not care about clutter. tennis outfit strewn over the bed, papers and books, the mobile and computer just lying in wait on the red sofa. the garbage bag just by the door will be thrown later and the floor, what would a few food bits, fallen hair and a dust load from last week do to make this place ugly?  this is still home for me. home where i can just be me.

Friday, October 10, 2014

I Don't Want to Die (Part 2)

i was about to read Joan Nelson's article on the 'political salience' of the poor, until i discovered that, by working on the thesis on two computers, inconsistencies are about to happen and yes, that article is not in my humble but ever reliable Acer laptop.

so begrudgingly, i had to work on chapter 4. ugh, i just wanted to read, i thought.

so to start a lazy unworked engine which is this mind, i opened the word file with the aim of just editing, rearranging the chapter headings --- just what a truly lazy mind could conjure at 430 in the morning, on a friday.

but as i was leafing through the page, and reading snippets of what i wrote, 2 years ago, the writing came to make sense. forgive the narcissism, but the writing, the analysis was alright. worthy of publication, worthy of being laid out into the open. worthy of release from this baul, this chest of writings filed in a folder.

the writing gave me another reason to exclaim, within, 'i don't want to die!' i don't want to die out on this thesis.

and so a mundane, totally routine task of just opening a chapter, starting for the heck of it, revealed the shiny grain of wisdom that a thesis, if you believe in it, and the writing you invested in it, is worth doing and sacrificing for, as one 'dies' everyday in lost opportunities of sleep, of working on other deadlines, or just letting be in bed.

this thesis is part of my life. part of the reason why i wake up, and breathe, and still find joy amid the everyday struggles of being a long-distance mom and selling dams for a living. i don't want to die. i just don't want to die and not finish this thesis.







Thursday, October 9, 2014

Survival Mode

just signed off Chapter 3. and just like any other chapter edited and sent off with a significant gap in time to the supe, i am faced with trepidation that she will again find more errors in it than the previous draft, and her latest reading.

i wonder how i'm going to tell the supe? about the 'good enough' thesis idea? she won't be here till january next year and i prefer talking to her about it face-to-face. will skype do? will she listen?

i am battling for the survival of this thesis as work has become unstoppable and, a bit, unforgiving. i aim to finish next year. I will be Dr. Valenzuela next year.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

My Back

bed
sofa
even floor
where my back could rest
rest at ease
and long

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Hindsight

Lonely
Is a lonely word
As sorry is.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sana

sana haloy taka pang mabistado
sana mawara ka lang pag nag-uuli, may inaasikaso
sana mayong malisya kitang magturog na magkaibahan
sana magurugmahan sabay an satong pamilya
sana makamati kita kan pagdamay sa saro-saro
sana ang kapungawan, kauyaman malalampasan
sana ang pag-ulay may padudumanan
sana simple lang, tanos satong iribahan
sana bakong arog kaini
nag-aasa na sana, sa sana...

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Pizza, Brownies, Drills

pizza and brownies and drills with yaman. these describe most of the day as the Mom in me went to work giving drills to Yaman in science, filipino and a third of the target drills in math.  on this occasion, i got the chance to explain to Yaman the workings of the digestive system by pointing out what bosquillos she's eating will go through once it enters her mouth.  got a refresher as well, how different the small and large intestines were to each other, other than their size. then came the brownies, which Yumi prepared with a little helping from me. she learned what 'pre-heating' means in a la germania oven without timer, and how one improvises with the heat and the cooking time when one gets a tough chocolate dough than the expected syrupy one.  thenafter the pizza, which all nephews seem to be asking of me every time i'm here on a saturday or sunday. the overcooked burnt one is yaman's favorite, so the other normally perfect dough comes second.  i had other things in mind for this saturday. but glad these have been set aside for the most important, memorable ones. pizza, brownies and drills. i can never be happier being a mom, an aunt that gives time and gives great food, as much as i can.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Techie Frustre

technology is supposed to simplify, minimize waste, clarify. but the way Oracle works in this office, it's the other way around. technology complicates, creates paper waste and confuses numbers with procedures. we do not live in an age of whatever. we live in increasing unhappiness by what we thought will innovate.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Love in Apostrophes

He calls me Ice Queen
Because I don't 'love' him like 'that'
I no longer 'love' like 'that'
To love without the apostrophes
To love pure, boundless, and deep
I've lost that sense
Two relationships ago
When I staked it all and failed
The Man does not ask, but he questions
How I could stand the silences
Ignore the lapses, the absences
And he knows, he knows
Only a cynic could 'love' this way
To love with apostrophes
And he knows, he knows
The long hard work ahead
To thaw the pride
And indifference of the Ice Queen
To overturn, and return
Love to its true form

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Vitti's 8 Things

heat, drink hot water
share the number with ericson
put on black socks
greet cora a happy birthday
put on sock on left foot
google pattinson's new girl
greet the Man a happy morning
start the thesis

...8 things to do before breakfast
better than Alice's