Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Making Sense of the Shadow

i am about to blog about my thesis, until under Stats, i saw and clicked this blog from 2010.  apparently, someone read it this week.

he must have really loved me. i felt it, reading this blog. a blog about food, and our first date. he must have really loved me.

but did i? as much? every time, memory harks about his man that i have long buried, this cliche always comes about, 'it is for the best'. the time with him was a test. and in that test, i realized it is difficult and unfair to commit to someone whom one cannot give the best to. when one's best is no longer that best. i just don't have it anymore. that was one painful, but true realization. and as i've told him, right on our first encounter over skype, you deserve more. you deserve better. and he got it now. there's no need to interfere.

so why did we ever came to be? bakit pa nagkita kung naghiwalay din lang? for me, it was the test of fate. Fate. to each other, we are both remnants of the past, of a young promising relationship in our teens. we met again, in our 40s, to really end the questioning - can we ever be? and if we did, will we be happy? what happened to us in 2012 is the answer to this nagging question. we can never be, we can be happy elsewhere, we can be happier with different people. so no more nagging questions, no more looking back, with regret.

and in this blog, the blogs about him stays. as a testament that we existed. we loved, we failed, and that's it. just like how real honest relationships go. there's nothing wrong with that. just as i can go over our blogs - feel missing, feel sad, feel ecstatic, laugh, wax romantic, and sigh.

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