Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Having Enough

sometimes when one is wanting, it is easy to say --- when i have enough, i'll get this and that...perhaps i'll get an extra one, just for safekeeping...--- every time i pass by the Fossil counter at SM Aura, there is this flesh-colored leather watch that catches my eye. it is riddled with bright stones. a perfect combination of off-white and metal.  but when the time when i had enough, more than enough to buy it, i relented. i don't really need a watch from Fossil. or another watch to that extent. the Seiko silver metal one is still ok. so is the Solvil-Titus vintage from OLX.

actually, this holiday season, i never got to buy anything fancy for me.  it's always something that i need. like this North Face jacket that i need to go to work, to stay safe while climbing mountains next year in Ifugao, for example. if there's anything else, just a pair of shoes on knock-down sale from Celine.

there's really none that i need. i have more than enough. and i felt happy reaching this stage of contentment. of letting go, and being discriminating of wants. a test passed as now i have enough. just like the attitude with men. i nearly fell and let myself be taken away by expectations this year. but no. i realised that i am more discriminating. that i don't settle just to enjoy. that i'm not really a happy-go-lucky person when it comes to love. that i am not impulsive. and i don't fall just because the man in front of me is delectable, says the right words, and gives the ooommmph that women desire.

i have more than enough. and staying simple amid it is the perfect state of contentment.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Right Prayer

for a Christmas wish, i do not wish for someone.

let's go beyond that.

instead, i wish for a braver heart
a heart readier to forgive, to listen, and ask forgiveness
a stronger heart that can bear the fear, and ugliness
a heart that may shirk occasionally, but will not be overcome
there are faces i see but for this heart is a different one
he is out there, wondering where that someone, that me, might be
he is out there, like me, lost in traffic and the maze of uncertainty
but he is there, as i am here
and someday, he will be there as i am
and we will find, within our hearts to ask
are you ready, braver, stronger now?

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Bach Again

it has always been Bach.

when i could not imagine how to work on the thesis, here in naga, with the noise pollution - the niece doing computer work, the daughter playing games and youtube on her tab, the youngest nephew watching cartoons on tv - the answer has been Bach. Bach and his violin concertos. these are my walls. as now, i take a respite from work on two paragraphs. it has always been Bach. if there should be a person i owe this thesis to other than my two ever-patient supervisors, it will be Bach. he deserves the essential white page, almost of all of it, in Acknowledgments. it is always Bach.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

For 2015

Violin
Driving
Linguine
Blender
An Herb Garden
Hiking, or
Cycling, or 
Bodybuilding

But 2015 it is
2015 it is.

Friday, December 19, 2014

The Thesis While on Vacation

on vacation, you know you love your thesis when...

...the alarm clock is again set at 4am monday to friday
...you keep squeezing in thesis time during the day even for just 30 minutes
...you keep notes, written or electronic, on how to improve structure
...you strategize how to save your Endnote Library in that computer
...you talk to the daughter, watch TV and will work till Christmas and New Year's Eve with the thesis
...you write this blog so you won't forget commitment

You can do it Vitti!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

So Many Stories

the driver, gray-bearded, the wife beside on the front row
what is on Yaman's mind when her father's name is spoken
why fitting in has to be a voluntary organic act
that getting enough of Naga can never be
what is it about men that takes away every living breath
playing the violin is 2015's goal
and that enduring and overcoming loneliness is pure strength
so many stories on a blog
so many stories to be written

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Three Weeks!

the list is endless. 

appointments with the OB, ear doctor
massages every week
swimming every other day
gym every other day
taking the daughter to school
fetching her
planning next year's work
the thesis
going out with gie
shopping, grocery

all the whatever that one can do. 
ah, the kiwi boss's best-ever season's gift...

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Beyond Chuwariwap

many things i do that i cannot sustain. like make-up. wearing red lipstick. trying to wear feminine colors. being feminine. i wear my face plain. i hate too much red as red as salesladies or receptionists wear on their lips. i am mannish, happy with jeans and shirts. i like white but also blue. i steer away from black but i like those with v-necks, open and even sultry necklines. but i still like shoes. although i should steer away from red, my unlucky color, wearing it on my feet is like stepping on it, overwhelming the bad luck. so despite the changes, the desire to 'up' with society's standards, i return to the basics. and there i get to know me. i get to stop the chuwariwap, and focus on the essentials.