Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Spit

i am so nervous, it is hard to start. on to chapter 6, and i'm structuring arguments from a text originally descriptive. but i am told to move on and get the first draft complete by the 3rd quarter of next year. and so i will. and in the process, i silence the cold strangle of fear in my heart and spit on it. spit on fear and insecurity. spit spit spit. i am writing on.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Desire 2

it has always been like this with men. to know that i am ready to go beyond friendship, i must imagine men sexually. without this, the barrier of friendship still holds. but this is also my waterloo. before, i tended to confuse sexual pleasure with love. with a past love, thinking sexually was still the entry point. i thought love could be secured after. after all, he loves me so much. perhaps, i can feel the same measure afterwards. at the back of my mind, i knew, i didn't really love him that fully. i know it was a lie from the very start, and that is how i ended up discerning i am not fit for him. he is not my man. i do not belong to him.

with Yaman's father it was the reverse. i tended to fall in love easily. and confused attention with love. after the one-night stand, i thought it would be forever with him. and perhaps, him, thinking i was the eager beaver, jumped right in, and thought perhaps, love will just awaken. i was so easy to exploit. with my position in the office, he could get projects. he could have a house to stay, free room and board. a typical fence-sitter and user. and that's how sex sent me spiralling down to another heartache.

and so the lesson is, sex is not an entry point, should not be. one could just be lucky to find the right love through this. so with JC, i think like my old sorry self. thinking sexually. because after yoga, imagination sets in. so i lay off of this tendency. sex will come last. i must know the man. work, friendship, trust, belongingness. these should all come first. sex is just the icing.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Desire

who holds your face?
traces circles around that bronze skin
makes you feel manly
you,
human and God
it's endless flow with
you,
You
My desire.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Frustration

Everytime i pack i bring these stuff:  the CSR book, the thesis chapters. And i will not have time to open them in four or five days. In naga, there is just no time. I am out most of the time. When no time to sit on a table. And when, in the afternoon, i am too beat, too tired to even care, or remember. When on travel, it depends on the car sometimes. If the car is not 4x4, i'd rather enjoy the view, no matter how familiar, than suffer the bumps and listlessness. When in the hotel, the hours are few. But i still bring the stuff. Waiting for the right snd perfect moment, which rarely comes.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Why I Cannot Blog Every Day

Because priorities pile up
Because i forget
Because of shitty wifi where i am, sometimes
Because 9pm interferes
Because i don't effort much

But i try. I will keep on trying.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Chapter 6

i am here and doing this chapter now. to finish in less than 30 days. i can do this. i am prepared for this.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Chapter 5

chapter 5 is finished
right here before me
before me after 8 months
8 months that started in hate
and now, still in love
in love with my thesis
which i will let go
to the world next year

Chapter 5 is finished
how i want to cry...

Friday, November 20, 2015

At 44

Held an arnis stick for the first time
First pedicure and manicure
Gym no longer for me
Rediscovered yoga for posterity
Learning 1500 calorie meals
Managed Magat watershed project
Space and solitude mean more than men
That friendship is brutal honesty
BGC is my place, forever

Sunday, November 15, 2015

1500 Calories

not 500 for my hypothroidism a challenge which will be relished on to better health in the future thanks a lot HCG thanks a lot Doc Dea

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Recovery

It's the palabok, not the carpet So I am getting well Up to my lovely grumpy self

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

At Fujisoba

At Nadai Fujisoba. Sat beside four young men. By their conversation, I wonder do they have women, or men, enduring this kind of conversation with them. Does conversation matter even, to this men, with women? And here I am, about to enjoy my lunch of hot ramen. Thank you Lord for having an ear to listen, and endure.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Meeting Dr. Ko

A new doctor 10 days of medication He doesn't think it's pneumonia

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Lesson of 2015

For 2015 it would be this: letting go and accepting what does not work. Like gym, fitness first, old tv sets, credit card debt, duplicity, Alimit, bad carbs, overstaying visitors. To give room to the new, the fresh, and enlightening. I have to get away with unnecessary stuff.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Fates Forking

I dreamt of S. And as always, it's the distant consciously-pretending-to-be-unconcerned S. Good that I had been warned,now, that S is my waterloo, the eternal bad luck, the one reason, it seems, my fate forked an interesting path in 1992. The reason why I ended up here. Sometimes, I do think about it. What if I have waited? Not responded to the call of lust? Would it have been a simpler life? Would I have done more? Who would I have loved? And would this love just be like any other lasting love --- you meet, get to know each other, find time to know and be more, decide forever is possible, marry, make kids, make it work, watch the garden grow and thrive. Would it have been a life I want? And perhaps this is already happening. Perhaps the other me is writing too at this moment. Dreaming the same dream last night, and shuddering with relief. Some other Vitti have taken the bait. I hope she loves the life she has now.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Books in Between

The end of book 2 on Cosette Jean Valjean finding peace twice in faith The Lonely Hunter camps outside the door Jogging memory to how it should be And this new learning on visionary companies Alright. Let the pages sigh once more

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Alone Time

I love being alone. Now the condo is mine again. It breathes me in. I caress the floor with my fear. My perspiration drips for it to capture. And my heart throbs and its energy pulses on. This is my space. I live this space.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Pass Overs

so this is how it goes every man who comes will come and pass will pass on and never held up, to stay no one staying all fleeting by and i shall steel myself steel myself steel myself to stone

Monday, November 2, 2015

Instinct Training

there are ways to train to trust one's instinct. when a write-up looks too detailed, cut it down to size, leave only the interesting bits. in conversation, if a man opens up too much and flirts, it's time to back off and hold off any futher communication. when the leader does not say much about an issue, and one believes it's important, then the best recourse is to wait. often, one's instinct is the no that wants to be said, the pause to one's step, the reconsideration to anything rash, often brought on by extreme emotions like fear, excitement, and sometimes, boredom.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Newness

there are so many realizations at 44. that when in doubt, do confidence that the goal of alone-ness, is to eradicate bitterness that blessings also come in what is not given that it is the child inside that needs attending and comforting that in every day, beginnings exist if only acknowledged that there are things only within one's control so choose the right ones another sense of me is unraveling, evolving.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

One Saturday

No yoga but will still yoga
Luggage left alone
Wanting some alone time
With games and coffee
I will think of life and work later
Will just stay here and stare
And look weird with these pinhole glasses
Some time for me
A Saturday free

Monday, October 19, 2015

Content

Tired for all the right reasons
Thankful for a whole day's labour.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Truly Well

Health is good.
Yaman is spared from dengue
And I am well.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Death Wish

death to cheaters, thieves, apologists.

Goodbye, Alimit.

i'm never coming back with these people at the helm.

my only consolation is - I took care of you well enough. I loved you well.

Friday, October 9, 2015

This Lonely Heart

how does one carry on knowing that loneliness will always be a companion? that there is no one to wait for. armed with the knowledge that for whoever may come, the relationship will just lead to separation.

there is one guy i like. JC. but to the heavens, i know i am late. i am too old. my body is too old for him. and i am not his type. 20 years before, i could have easily dragged the likes of him with one single look. but 20 years is gone,

so to the heavens I committed him. i will be happy just being his friend. and no more. in case what i desire happens, i will not let it be. because it will not be right. it will not work. i would gladly free him to be with someone he prefers than be stuck with me.

so how does one cope with this kind of loneliness? that creeping loneliness because while strength is an armor, it could be heavy to carry too, sometimes. and sometimes, how i wish there are strong capable arms welcoming me home, a shoulder, a real good one to rest my head too and cry out the day's frustrations. a strong torso, strong abs where my head can just relax and perhaps take a selfie. i want this. i do want this. but how can i hold on to it, when heaven has declared i won't have it for long.

tell me where to park my loneliness. what refuge is there to take which loneliness can no longer penetrate.

Monday, October 5, 2015

I Marshall On

too many apprehensions.

a lot of things to do.
no space to say 'no'.

a thesis
a CSR philosophy
a department report
an OD business case
8 powerpoints for an international audience

i want to cry.
i want to sleep.
i want to lie down
i want to raise my legs at 45 degrees, forever.

but on the positive side,
i have work
my time is well spent
there is purpose
there is yoga
and at the end of all these,
a good name
a good reputation
something to bank on in the future

so alright
i marshall on
to thinking, writing, creating, and leading

I Marshall On.

Friday, October 2, 2015

A Tear for a Yogi

Thank you JC
It is not a mistake choosing you.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Because It's A Sunday

the condo is quiet. the niece is studying by her lonesome in the other room. while i struggle with deliverables on my end, which i do not want to do. because it's a sunday. it's rest day. and i just had yoga. and my feet is raised on the blue futon. and there's a gratitude journal to finish. it's Sunday ok? go home, guilt. go home.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

To Overflow

The cup runneth over
I have the means, enough and more

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

I Remember You

I will remember you.

i learned that you chose to forget by entirely declaring that for you, I do not exist.

it's alright. that is your way of coping with loss. but as i've maintained, right before we separated, your way is not the learning way. it keeps from accepting your weaknesses. it keeps you with your mask on. it keeps you lying.

i hope that the lies that you learned to claim, will not come to haunt you, especially in the present state of your relationship. and in this age.

this is the age of social media. no secret can be kept. there is always someone, some thing, some place, that will shake that resolve of forgetting. you will not know what will hit you.

i really felt so sorry for you. and until now, i still do. i pity you for the choices made just to avoid loneliness. i pity you so much.

again, learn to accept and acknowledge.

i am not going any where

and you have to re-learn forgetting.

i exist as you exist and we existed.

face the truth.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Because I Just Forgot

and so i thought i blogged for the last two days, and not
just as i thought i have to do this thing, leave it for coffee,
and totally forget about it
like how i tend to miss the names of this favorite actor or movie
and just this morning, someone said hi to me at McDo
but i forgot the name that goes with the face
and so i forgot, silly, but i do so more often now
silly, not yet scared though

Friday, September 18, 2015

Where It Takes You

the work at 4am in the morning is not just about writing. like today, with barely an hour before preparations to yoga class, the work was on reading original chapter paragraphs. reading only. to get the feel of where editing will concentrate and which parts are better left culled. this way, i have tapered down around 20% of the word count although the total is still above what Jane requires at 10,000 words a chapter. so today, i end with this. i work again tomorrow, even for just an hour. see what the discipline of daily thesis work, however short, will take you. it took me somewhere sunny today.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Deliverance for my Daughter

it is more than a consolation to know, and be assured that She will not carry these burdens. that in her lifetime, She will not know how it is, how it feels to be lied to, abandoned, taken-for-granted, used, mocked and forgotten. it if took my pain, the burden of it, to relieve her of the same, then i would gladly undergo the cycle of neglect and torment, all for Her.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Ready

I must leave to get back
And although what's left is less than ideal
Still the desire to restart and renew
Bodes of better, meaningful outcomes
Steps will be retraced soon
I am ready.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Crossing the Chasm

sometimes the work of 60 minutes generates just one paragraph - just like today. but that paragraph is enough to free the mind from the prison of transitions. how to go from this section to another, but to do so in a way that bridging a chasm should not be a harried leap, but like treading slowly and delicately over water. the paragraph today did just that. so i am ending today's thesis day happy.

Monday, September 14, 2015

The Dip

Perhaps because it's a Monday. And immediately, had to chair and present
On top of early housekeeping. Need to yoga by tomorrow, get guidance from my young, elusive and spirited yoga master.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

This Sunday

there are Sundays like this.

you are obliged to work, but still get to enjoy the day.

breakfast with the niece.

morning mass at Sanctuario.

watching Midsomer with the meeting report

then on to more housekeeping.

still, it's a great Sunday.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

That One Sentence

often it takes just one sentence to break through or bridge one thought to another.

i did it today.

got a nudge from my gut to do the thesis, as i checked the mobile, flashing with time: 503am.

alright, 30 minutes with the white space and voila!

tomorrow, Sunday, i deserve to rest.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Restless

Ah the restlessness of a beating heart
I choose to imagine and create and hope this way

Thursday, September 10, 2015

The White Wall

when the furniture was rearranged this august, the dining room and living room switched places. thus, the red luscious sofa greets anyone who enters, and the dining table rests perpendicular to the window facing the condo's recreational area below.

with this change, i no longer face the window while doing the thesis every morning. i no longer get distracted with the windows, once a lone figure stood staring at me from one unit as early as 430am. then there are windows, the hues of morning as the sun rises up east and casts its light.

i get to see this white wall instead.

the white wall has helped me focus. what i get to see is only white space, from Susi, and the white wall in front of me, and solo Bach violin playing in the background. now, the chapter 5 intro sounds better and grounded. by tomorrow, a transition will be made to politicization. 

good writing.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Trusting Time

Often we just have to trust time. That in time the writing will be clear. That as you think through a problem, the solution will present itself. And I, in this state, will find the right words.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Back Home

And so I walked home
Feet soaked but still plodded on
In between the clouds heaving
And collecting more
And now I'm home
Dry with the light and beans

Monday, September 7, 2015

Purging Weeds

The master weed is gone. And like weeds, similar will  be uprooted, toxified to death. Today starts anew. Tomorrow a better time.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

52nd Day

Today's my 52nd day of gratitude writing, a practice handed down by Rhonda Byrne of The Secret and The Magic books.

It's easy.

Everyday - I do this in the evening - write down at least 10 things to be thankful for.  Write what it is and why you feel thankful for it. Then go back to the list once finished. Re-read each one and really feel the gratitude well up.

I use this to de-stress and arrest my tendency to self-penalize. Gratitude is a wellspring of optimism, faith and happiness to what is and what has been given.

Thank you from deep within.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Apologies, Again.

i should apologize, yet again. 

no daily blogging anymore. but i'm journaling. which means, writing on paper every day, just yesterday, my 50th.

but this blog, i have to be disciplined more. 

so ok, one liners will do. i will find a way, to blog, every day, again.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Real Muscle

The formalities have been traded
More than a thousand kilometers traveled
Hunching back to real stuff
The work of numbers against conditions
The team is there to form
The leader coming forth on the frontline

Monday, August 24, 2015

Racing in Writing

have you ever raced in writing?

writing on and on despite the typo for the fingers to catch with how fast the mind is moving? it is usually with this type of 'free' writing that i find eureka moments, as if precious thoughts long imprisoned can walk freely and without care for the editor or that voice which says, oh you cannot be using language this simple.  but usually, it is on simple and conversational language that pure thought latches on.

so go ahead. write that thought going on in your head. forgrt the ttpios and release that precious sentence!

Friday, August 21, 2015

Love is Forever? Baloney.

i ditched the book 'Nights in Rodanthe'.

i wanted to believe again. and the mistake was the assumption that a work on fiction will stir up that belief.

i was wrong.

i have gone beyond stories of two lonely people, 'finding' themselves and realizing that they are who they want to have for forever.

i don't believe in 'forever' even. no one wants to love one person, forever. i cannot stand having a man, all the time, even for a day. it's just so stifling.

so beyond nicholas sparks' book where the characters get to meet and know they love one another over dinner, walks-after dinner, breakfast, walks-after-breakfast, lunch and walks-after lunch --- what is there to get? what is there to believe in, again?

oh God. i give up on love in fiction. it's never close to what realists like me have learned to believe.

one cannot love the same man forever. as none can love two different men the same way. or the same man, the same way.

love that lasts is the one that answers wants not needs.

and i want to just be me and love men, when i want to. on occasion. for special purposes. but please. none to last my next 44 years.

just let me be. and i will let men be.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

With You

perhaps i just need to let go. stop thinking about what society can accept, how things should fall in place, whether i could manage the situation as is. perhaps i should just stop thinking and let the good things come and stay. perhaps the compromise will just fly away, if we come to it. there is enough to be happy for, already. there is enough to be thankful, grateful. i am grateful that i can see, listen to, feel, follow, pray with, discover more about myself, practice, meditate and grow stronger, disciplined more, with. then it doesn't matter. to stay with. with someone like you.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Writing Life

The writing has to lift
Beyond one's mood.

Ok you are sad
Depressed, tired, heavy
Heartbroken, blue, tormented
Late, stretched, down

Still you have to write
As joy and pain alternate
As peace and chaos
Decorate existence
And the old and new
Forebode better times

Writing is like breathing
It has to stay on and persevere
Amid life's seasons

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

The Meaningful Sentence

in between writing on the Gratitude Journal and preparing for an Arnis class by 630am, wrote only two meaningful sentences on the thesis today. but still, it is meaningful because it is leading to better structure and clarity in thinking. so do not despair over 'little' labor. there is no such thing as 'little'. labor is labor. time on the thesis, despite the noise around, equals work on the thesis. so be kind, accept and love what is on the white page. be kind to yourself. go on get that coffee.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Holy JC

Oh JC
It's enough
Just being near you
In the same space
You hearing
Acknowledging my breath
Us filling the same air
Your hands strong
The body heat you exude
Leaving me breathless
With lips pursed, smiling
The distance between us
Closing in
Thank you for being around me
Thank you for deepening my practice
Thank you for staying here, positively.




Monday, August 10, 2015

From Afar

Pogi talaga
Makinis
Despite the hard look
Pogi talaga
The moles around his face
One strategic on the tip
Of that perfect nose
But he is too clean
I cannot imagine more
Yun. Hanggang dito lang
In short, IS NOT.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Writing on a Ledge

Writing on a ledge for the first time
In KL for the first time
In love with Life forever.

Friday, July 31, 2015

You Matter

a paragraph will get you somewhere. these are your thoughts, translated into sentences, that connect to more sentences, and form your ideas, your claims, your arguments. all in all they will matter. and so will be you and the book coming out of you.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Do You Talk to Yourself When Writing?

currently doing a TOR cnm proposal on strategy development at work, and of course, the thesis.

it helps to talk to oneself, especially when encountering a wall, or at a stump to write the next great paragraph.

like just earlier, after finishing an inspired section on serendipity at work in Kaantabay, i just could not find the write linking sentence. so i wrote below the paragraph, THERE IS AN OPENING HERE SOMEWHERE. to free my mind. and as if silencing the internal editor, i was able to write a preliminary sentence to transition to the next section.

the same goes for the work write-up. when i get lost in the use of professional language, i write: 'this is what i am about to say?' and just fly off with phrases, often in Tagalog and Bikol, to agree free thoughts from the prison of standards.

so practice, talk to yourself, write those simple thoughts down, in black and white ahead of you, then fly. the discipline is to write. writing is all there is.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Awakening

I was trying to push the limits. Still doubting yesterday's allergy as systemic. So today, against doctor's orders, ate the last batch of leftovers of a chicken dish that i experimented on last Sunday. Chicken cooked with beans, carrots, olives, fresh tomatoes, white onions, garlic, ginger and a dash of rosemary. It was naturally tasty and the beans gave it a homey earthy taste. I just let the chicken simmer so the sauce was pure chicken broth. And so i thought, what harm can two chicken thighs do? And so you bet, i finished up, the whole dish just at half past 7pm. Just in a few minutes, as i was about to wash the dishes, i felt it. My throat was feeling parched, tight. So ahead of time, ten minutes before 8pm, took the steroids and the anti-inflammation meds. Literally ate condensed milk and sugar to contain any other allergic reaction. Then i felt something new, scary. The tightening from the left side of my neck to the upper left shoulder. Then across my chest. Oh my, this is really systemic allergy. And it doesn't feel good. Hmmmmmm. So. Would this be the last chicken dish? The last bite of my favorite - chicken thighs. And is this goodbye? Goodbye seafood. Goodbye eggs. Goodbye chocolates. Goodbye citrus fruits (i don't like you anyway). Goodbye nuts (i will sorely miss you). I want to live longer you see. And each day, from now on, i will treat as a gift. Because i'm alone and without the meds, something bad may have happened, and even worse. So i'm not pushing the limits anymore. I'm not going to put to the test the good doctor's advice. I will wait for Doc Dea to arrive from the US and get a full allergy test. I need to know how to eat and live better with these restrictions. I need to repair and strengthen my immune system. I'm poised to be legend, not history. So then yes. The allergy's systemic. The lesson is learned.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Acer: Bye 2009, Hi 2015*

perhaps it had no more left to give. running on Windows XP and one of the first netbooks ever to be released to the market, yesterday, i bid farewell to my hardy 2009 red Acer laptop - the laptop that has served me during my PhD years in Perth up to now. it still holds my Endnote biblio, where the only choice left, for me, is to purchase an online version. so be it. resources are available and will serve the purpose.

but i will miss it nonetheless. i miss it for all those years. and it proved one thing, Acer is indeed a hardy brand. for seven years, no glitch at all. and is no-nonsense.  when it had no more left, it just expired. that's it. no arte along the way. simple lang.

so after mass today, i will be getting a new one. Acer uli. for the next 7 years and more. PhD and beyond.

I actually bought an Asus Zenbook, 'Susi'. 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Ilo Praxedes

i watched him ANC's 'Mukha'. he is a child laborer somewhere in a sugarcane plantation up north. i have watched children in poverty but he struck me because at the age of 13, he has stopped believing, he has stopped dreaming. 'ayaw ko na pong mangarap'. and the documentor asks, 'bakit? bakit ayaw mo nang mangarap?'. 'ang hirap po ng buhay.' his answer.

poverty is a curse and for so many times, after witnessing the poverty of children in Jolo, Sulu sometime in 2008, i thanked the Lord for bringing me into a middle-class family that was able to put me to school and deliver on the conditions that made me dream and fulfill my dreams, one by one.

so in the next 44 years of my life, Ilo has made me dream again.  But this dream is not for me, or my family. these dreams are already guaranteed. I go out of my self to dream for children and youngsters like Ilo. I will endeavor to build the conditions for their dreams not to fade, ever. i am doing this now through charity and an advocacy work for battered women and their children. and I will do much better, one child at a time. the House of Hope is being built as I write and dream and do.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Yanti

a very good friend of mine from graduate school is seriously ill with cancer. got the news today through a friend. it's hard to feel fine. like i absorb the pain and it has no chance of lifting. but as my hands worked on the letter, i felt the spirit surge as i nudge 'You will be alright. You will be alright. You will be alright.' and indeed she will be alright. either way, she will be alright.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Writing the Intro

i tried to forego it. based on the advice of other researchers to write the Intro of any chapter of the thesis, last. but no, writing it today, fidgeting over it, since last week helped me with structure. so now, tomorrow, i can proceed with the rest of Chapter 5. i am in Chapter 5, Chapter 5 Thank God!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Threshold

I have proven enough. Worthy of what will come, has been heralded since by the Universe. I believe in full. My Dad in spirit guiding every step. I face the future with calm, accepting anger only as an emotion and no longer a choice. It's been heralded ever since. And I move on. Pass the past. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I live my Highest Purpose every day.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Justice from Above

I Claim all These. I thank the Universe. For the Good, the Fulfilling, and the Flourishing. Now. Now is Everyday!

Monday, June 29, 2015

Cleansing

i have no other explanation.

shit happens in relationships. the devout wife still gets abused, emotionally and psychologically. the young committed wife gets stabbed in the back with lies. the single woman left no choice but to read a book rather than go out with haplessly immature self-centered men.

just refuse to wallow in shit.

Monday, June 22, 2015

The Key of X

i should care but the need is no longer there. perhaps because there is no sympathy left to give. or i just chose the still choice of indifference. i do not have to respond. i just have to punch the key of X and exit from someone's life by simply willing it. and so i did. two in a row. i am a different person, now.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Into the Drive

oh my God, yesterday...
my mind was afloat with condos
and now cars
cars and cars
flipped out the choice of moving out
so i'm driving in
driving in and learning how to
better this than the
skill of packing

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Kindness and the Thesis

i gave a lot to this thesis from 2009 to 2013. disciplined myself to write every day, read every day, structure, think through, discuss. i wonder why, given all these efforts, still, i am doing the thesis, still at chapter 5 in 2015.

when out on one jeepney ride in naga, with the wind blowing over my face, it hit me.

you are kinder now. you need kindness to write and finish this thesis.

in 2012, when i can still write full time, i was very angry. while uncovering the half-truths and the dirty politics, i wanted to lambast, shed out the clean image of the city to show a rotting core. and in my writing, jane saw that i was too judgmental, purist, and unbending sense that what is right must be straight and true, through and through.

but now, with what i witnessed with my work in the mountains, i came to respect and appreciate that what the mayor did in Naga was no easy feat. he had to weave through its politics and it must have been heart-rending exposing one's heart to the poor and commanding policy and programs to give meaning to words given them.

it was not easy and it has been done. it may not be right against standards, but a way has been made to track out new and better paths - for others.

that Wise One Up There pushed me back to get a new perspective. find gentleness as i take apart the data. give it new eyes, some fresh understanding, more kindness now.

so now i deal with chapter 5. i deal with the muck and how what it is portrayed to be, is actually really not. but then, that is not a bad thing, at all. it was the best contrived given the circumstances. and while the mayor might say, he could have done better in some ways, i think, he has done enough of what he could and what a difference this has made.

Friday, June 19, 2015

The Main Course

He looks like someone I know. But with chiseled features yet burdenedly sad eyes. A mole right at the tip of his nose adding to his beauty. I will kiss this first before anything else. Only with my eyes closed. His eyes ever closed.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

On Hindsight

Glad to have a lot of it to give and wait for
Glad to have been spared from insecure tenure
Glad for rest and the freedom to create anew
Glad that goodness, kindness and grace are flowing
Glad that the real desires deep down are finding its way up
Thank you thank you thank you

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Still Heaven

'Perhaps in the future'.

and so Lola Eva wrote.

there are some things meant for you, but on a better and readier time.

what i attempted for the past month gave me perspective.

and taught me how to prepare for that better and readier time.

so i let go of the burden.

Heaven is still Heaven, anyway.

I love you Heaven.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Breakthrough

i wanted to sleep on. sleep is just sooooooooooo good.

my mind was busy arguing --- should sleep more after staying up late packing, should sleep more and just do the thesis during the weekends, should sleep more because it's good for your health. and then came the ultimate counter-argument: WHAT IF TODAY YOU BREAK THROUGH? what if, you wake up, hard as it is and end up happy because YOU HAD A BREAKTHROUGH?

so at 406m, the body got out from bed, did the morning rituals and worked on the hardy Acer from 449 to 545am today.

and i did have a BREAKTHROUGH.

integrated 3 long chapters into one. from about 36000 words, the hybrid Chapter 5 is now 12000+, ready for editing. oh, this feels really good.

I'll push for Breakthroughs every day, from now on.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Nothingness and Happiness

bihon na may sardinas for dinner
supposedly doing the thesis
but elected for nothing
nothing to do
there is much to thing about
but here i am
lazing in the sofa with the daughter
electing to do nothing
nothing and happy
nothing and happiness

Sunday, June 7, 2015

My Lavender



living alone can indeed be lonesome. particularly coming after a week of having the daughter and the mother here.

but living alone also has its perks. silence can be very gold going home, after a long day at the 10F, where women power means loud voices, loud laughter, and the endless chatter of women.  Silence is gold greeted by a home wafting with the smell of lavander, or just the splashing of the waters down by the pool, or some child's giggle, occasional shout, or just that, the sweet carefree voices of children.

here on a sunday, amid the humidity, my fingers who pit and pat, tick and tock, without the bother of tv and just me, looking at three corners - the kitchen, the bed, and my nook of a living room which, in all, hopefully, would soon be under my name.

i welcome the silence. i welcome being alone and enduring the test of uncertainties and fears. this is really my skin. my lavender.

Photo courtesy of www.google.com

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Rains

Rains at 456am today.

May God bless the rain, and those under it
Under the downpour, out there in the open
Whose legs and feet are wet
Who struggle with rising levels, and flee

God bless the rain, keep it calm, gentle.
May the Rain bless us all.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Consulting Again

almost i haven't worked on the thesis
almost a week of mornings with 330am alarms
almost a week of tables, and data, and figures
again...
oh, how i miss this
i just couldn't really be caged

Saturday, May 30, 2015

May Missed

what a dismal May

6 blogs in all for the month of May

as if i do not have access to the internet

as if i was on the road all the time

i just missed

i just missed May

Friday, May 22, 2015

Eating Blind

I will say it again.

The future is near, when I would have to eat with my pinholes on.

Woe old age at one's 40s.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Taxi Driver Goes Classical

Noticed it by Mckinley Hills. The music was wafting through the air like summer blooms. Violin ala Vivaldi though I am not sure. Classical violin on a Saturday. And as if in harmony, there was no traffic. And the driver, about late 60s, with a strong Visayan accent, plain, a commoner like me. And the taxi, the old model white, rickety but like old vehicles that are well maintained, with extra strong airconditioning. If indeed classical is his taste, then this taxi driver's taste is impeccable. Just as his taxi is clean, and as he is dependable. I may be misinterpreting but he's one in million. Unforgettable.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Go Home

one cannot be away forever. home always beckons. so wherever the feet takes you, remember that the heart's compass yearns towards home --- whether it be the sight of rice fields, the smell of your mom's clothes, or the gash on that floor --- unique imprints of the home that only the heart recognizes, and bears wherever it goes. so go home, go home, go home, get home.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

A Past Blog Made Me Feel

it still gets to me.

i was going through the readership of this blog (which is not too big for a blog which is 1 of a billion blogs in cyberspace) when i chanced through this. and i fathom, i was really in love with this person once. and it was deep and it felt right. forever was so visible.

but i recall that only last friday, i was giving precious advice to my teammate whose relationship, her engagement to that special someone was teetering on the brink of break-up. a similar situation that i was through in 2012. and i remember my advice. do not follow my track. my relationship did not take root. it was not deep enough to be saved.

and then i saw this blog, this blog where the sun, my favorite motif, was all splendor. the sun was so beautiful it did not matter whether it was on the rise or was setting. but still, in the blog, i acknowledged my love as both the sunrise or the sunset of my life --- now i wonder, was i the one who blogged, or him?

i react as if a third-person. so i did really fall in love. so at that moment, love enveloped my soul. thank you. thank you for this blog for bringing me back to that feeling. acknowledging that it did exist, that love. thank you too, to him, the one who made it possible. what i felt, what we had, was true. even though now, it does not exist anymore. this love. and i sometimes doubt myself. i sometimes feel alzheimer's disease infects the heart as well.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Joey Albert ang Peg

Tell me.

I will not know how to deal with you, if you don't say it as it is, how you feel including what is, and what is not. I cannot foretell your words. You have to learn to trust who you are, and what I am to you.

Tell me.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Hayyyyyyyy Point

i have reached a 'hayyyyyyy' point in the revisions. since april, i have been going through three draft chapters, and this morning, realized there is another one that needs to be included. reading, slashing, summarizing while going through the pain of reading horrendously-written work.  good, i used a pencil, otherwise, the chapters will be bleeding.

so it's not unusual to find notations like these:

sometime april: 'the discussion here can be part of self-admin chapter where results (repayment) can be added as prelude to studying tenure chapter'

again in april: 'this chapter and info on city govt capability in socialised housing, or enablement assumptions, is useful but it has to be worded simply and explained logically. summarize key points as well.

and today: 'balikan mo, one by one, summarize points you will take. Do not rush, but do not slack either.'

i am my own worst editor. but i have to focus and do so with purpose. Urgently.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Choice

i love Janis Joplin. her intensity and honesty. but i just did something with Spotify today. i removed most of her songs. most of her angst about love, about failed and unrequited romances.  these are not mine to herald anymore. i un-claim hanging on to ballads on heartbreak and failure. they have been a part of me. but i choose to leave them by the door, no longer part of my house.

i see myself happy at work, with family, travel, fitness, passions, collections, investments. i choose to be happy. and that includes the love of belonging. of belonging steadfast to that one man whom i will grow old in affection, respect, laughter, shared endeavors, a journey to the twilight of our years. i choose what is best, and good, and lasting.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Reading...Poetry

i am reading poetry
for reasons other than to combat alzheimer's
i am reading to find my voice again
that it can lilt, whisper and just as in my mind
i was reading Maya Angelou's Still I Rise
my voice was rising in a crescendo
I rise! I rise! I rise!
i wish i could read out loud
as much as my voice is shouting
in this head
and so i read poetry
to find peace
and to never run away again

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Choices

Life stops when we run out of choices. When we leave out choices for others. And we steal those meant for others. This is one important lesson on the road to kindness.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Mighty Me

ha, mighty
to lug and sit and speak and study
it never stops
only faces and conditions vary
one does not stop
one only passes the baton
and the cycle continues

Monday, April 20, 2015

Implead

Please don't waste my time
If it's meant to make me feel sorry
Been deprived for long
Have forgotten what wanting means
And though my heart still melts, flutters
It is for what I see, of others
It has been a long time
Long enough to love the silence
Awaiting no one's footsteps
I am the only soul that lives here
So unless you're here to stay, endure
Restore what you've had destroyed
Then stop wasting Time

Saturday, April 18, 2015

An Unforgetting Past

perhaps it's his one last attempt to the one who got away. me. still mystified by the kiss, after more than two decades. looked for two years. naniningil ng two years wait in facebook. and so what if i resurfaced only now? this will not dent his plans. no matter what, the road is still paved for him and his bride. but still, a man he is. and me. i am no longer one lonely woman.

Friday, April 17, 2015

So Many Me

i am many animals.
pig, horse, tiger, eagle
i could be more complicated
than having four types of soap
i am coming full circle
someday, i will just burst
and overwhelm,
everyone

Friday, April 10, 2015

First Day

close to lunch, just set up the work station, set-up a system for keeping and locating files, and dealt with the concerns of a team member.  then, the first series of meetings.  then, a long talk with the Wise One. so this is how it is. i need more time in a day. i need more productive time. i need to huddle down, and work.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

She Reconsidered

she admits, going 360. changing her mind, a position once firm. unaffected by undying affection, time, the presents, the endurance. so when he came in person, perhaps attempting a short visit, she can't help but be taken. by the attention, the breath of hope, and that semblance of a love suddenly taken from her, three years ago. so now, she's giving herself a chance. another go at believing in the words, the presence, the trust - his. i see myself in her. but the results may come around differently. she will be happier if she gives herself time to really unravel. that what is inside is love that can not only take and relish but also endure, accept and forgive.

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Good Dad on a Good Friday

Good Friday April 1 was when we lost Daddy to his first heart attack. He nade misua with fish for lunch and was listening to the Seven Last Words over the radio. I still wonder what life would have been with Daddy still around.  He would have turned 65 by 10 May. Set to retire perhaps at Forbeswood.

I imagine the good times, the best times. Oh, the movies he missed. From the Lord of the Rings to Ocean's Thirteen and Argo. He and Mom will love BGC. Walking in the morning and group aerobics at 9th Avenue. He will discover Starbucks but will love CTBL, like me. He might still be writing, consulting. More at ease, controlled with his temper. Perhaps we'll get to know more, become acquainted with the other one. 

Now Daddy is in heaven. Good Friday will not be the same since 1994. 

But still. I love you Daddy. I miss you. You've been great. A real good Dad.



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Luxury of Nothing

rest, rest
no deadlines, no alarm clocks
ahead is reading, massage, swimming
more time with the daughter
just breathing in home, my first home

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Abode

So the Bank is the decision point
And I wait with strategy and conviction
You will be mine, My Dear Abode

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Yes to What Is

i say Yes, you are owning this condo
You are investing in stocks
You are increasing your net worth

Believe. Believe. Believe.
And Work with Passion for it.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Time, Mine

today, i had buffet lunch all alone. before, i had a buffet friend, or call a friend; normally, Cora when she was still here in the philippines.  i just took it slow. enjoyed the food at City Buffet where, of course, the buffet is not as diverse, mouth-watering and fulfilling as Heat at Edsa Shang or at Galleria.  perhaps i had 10 helpings in all. alternating eating, standing and getting helpings.

then here at home, for the first time, browsed through Good Housekeeping mags, the back issue dated as far back as May 2014. ah, terrible. but i did it. almost after a year.

so here i am. with a condo all lighted up. made deliberately messy but still chic. two travel bags, plastic bags with indigenous gabi and green peas. two more issues of GH amd self-help books on the blue sofa.

all this time until tuesday next week is mine. just mine to keep and spend. Thanks for Holy Week. And thanks for the Wise One for granting me this.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Coup D'├ętat

They know just where to hurt me. So even I was surprised as tears gushed with the Wise One on the other end. After weeks absorbing denial, insult, put-downs, treachery. Tears that perhaps boded the timing, might have been the decision point to turn the rising tide of error, poor judgment. I will clear my mind of all these, just as tears released the pain and frustration of weeks.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

My Buckets

i do not have a bucket list.

i have buckets.

EarthUs
Fort Yaman Cafe
7-Eleven
Vitti's Bickies
Pizza Nette
Dunkin Donuts
College Completion Scholarships
One-More-Classroom Program
H20 Station
The Stock Market

filling buckets in full
Fulfilling Buckets

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

You Need A Pencil

chapter 4 has been emailed last Sunday, so in my bag, now on my desk are three parts of supposedly just one chapter.  the decision point is whether to compress in one or two chapters, and how? read a first few pages of the first two parts, and could not endure my writing. too general, too hyperventilating, which means i am not clear with the thinking while writing these 3 years ago.

to start, to really start, i must have to endure one thing. to read through the texts, read through all 100+ pages, back to back of an equivalent three chapters. how much can i take?

and so etched on the first ever page: YOU NEED A PENCIL. a pencil to underline, encircle, highlight with a star and yes, slash.  because looking back, one cannot compress everything known on Kaantabay in a thesis. a thesis can only carry this much argument, this much burden of evidence, this weight.

so the unloading, and the writing work, continues.

and Vitti, don't forget to file your originals, and save tables and figures in a separate Word doc.

Monday, March 23, 2015

And So, Yes

and so persist.

make a difference.

mentor. be kind.

on principles: never compromise, never be nice.

just be who you are.

be who you really are.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Yoga Practice

i didn't want to go. canceled the reservation but then went on again.  5 more sessions to complete the Flexi pass. it was close to 3pm and i was rushing. i do not want to be late. my body ached from yesterday's cardio exercises but still...i walked five blocks away with sweat trickling down the left side of my neck. 

but it must have been Mel's encouraging coaxing, the softness and warmth of her voice and the care she exudes in managing the exercises, the poses for newbies, actually, returnees to yoga like me. so in more than an hour, i struggled with the heat, but the in the poses, i was less wobbly and getting firm on my feet.

i'm just glad i have come. that's why Yoga is Practice. like writing, like Natalie Goldberg's writing practice. one just have to go back to it, get back to it, and persist despite the many reasons to say 'no'. to practice is to be there. the practice is to commit. the practice is to just do. the practice is saying 'no' to 'no-ing'. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Other Woman - Bea and John Lloyd

it's so painful, can't watch another run.

but i love the story for its honesty, no-nonsense take on false relationships and those relationships that just won't take off because the past just cannot be undone.

i cried more than once.

and the ending is haunting. how can you bear to love someone you can never own? how can one endure the frustration of unrequited love until the very end?

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday Eats

Every Friday that I'm in Manila, vowed to eat at joints around BGC. Started with Wrong Ramen, then The Farm, Tuscano, and I Love Shack. This means I've been in Manila, stayed over weekends, only five times since mid-January. And so the count of joints continue. Until the next full Friday...

Thursday, March 19, 2015

This Peace

To endure and past the test
Find, that the craving will diminish
That the need is not flesh
And that silence, calm is a healing thing
But I still believe
The Good One will come

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Transitionings

the weather is still cool in isabela, especially in the morning. even at lunchtime, cold air permeates despite being flooded by the sun, which razes oh so viciously in this part of the world, it hurts the skin.  it's not even summer yet. so another season is passing away, still leaving remnants, and another is about to come. another set of quarters coming, and i am moving on to start anew while continuing what has been built, the anchor ones, for the future. looking ahead with a macro vision.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Attribution

You are the backbone of GDP.

The respect and trust of a fellow leader is priceless.

Thank you, Sir Mar.

Monday, March 16, 2015

The First

I know what to say, you only have to ask. After all, all those years.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Those Days

if there is one leader in innovation, it would be the designers of women's sanitary napkins - Moddess and Whisper.  never a month when there is nothing new with the length (mid to all-nights), the style (maxi/ mini), the texture (breathable), the form (raised middle) of a sanitary napkin. hurrah to women? or hurrah to advertising. i never really cared. for the past 33 years, i still prefer Those Days --- non-wing, unscented, ordinary but fits the simple purpose of holding the mens during those days.  Amen.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Better Fit

i was hesitant to start. a newbie in front of an old crowd. but one just had to start.

so took out this mat, got an FF bench with gym balls on the side, and i started. it was not too bad. was not at all that embarrassing. there are newbies there like me. but i was the only one holding an exercise sheet.

and then suddenly, as i was exercising by the window, the sunlight streamed in, and this wave of exhilaration overwhelmed me. facing the east, and the sun on my face.  getting fit takes a lot of effort, it takes a lot of sun to be rejuvenated, and it takes a lot of heart to start and maintain the regimen.

i am reaching my goal to better fitness.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Fitness Nga

i'm gaining weight because of muscle wasting. this is what happens when a person consumes less calories than she is burning through exercise. the muscles get consumed by the body, only to be replaced by fat. hence the weight gain.

i exercise regularly even when on the field. i swim, do pilates, do sun salutations. here at BGC, i walk to and from work.

so now, to lose weight and maintain it more effectively, i have been instructed by the FF nutritionist to reintroduce good carbs to my diet - in the form of whole wheat breads, pasta, even potatoes. rice is actually best recommended because it only takes 1 cup to have 8 slices of bread and 2 cups of pasta.

so now i eat but also exercise with instruction. yoga 2x a week and gym work 3x a week.

a smarter way to get fit, again, that is.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Old Dinosaur

so i am already considered an old dinosaur. a single mom and a single income-earner. that had to be hedged, protected, prioritized. only a comet from outer space can make me extinct, but still, i have to consider the options outside are no longer that rich, i compete with the young and the hungry, and as a dinosaur, i may be a T-Rex, big but with small arms. my reach is not that long. so where i am going, i have to invest the next 16 years of my life. where i will retire and perhaps, retire happy, content and blissful out of all the battles that only hard women like me can endure and triumph. but i will not forget this lesson. and i will endeavour to finish, within the year, this PhD.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Feasting Time

i really should mope but i won't
really should ignore commitment but not my style
really should not report but can't be unprofessional
so i endure seeing and witnessing
the hyenas playing on what was built
what had to be laid down in earnest
tiring difficult but sweet rewarding toil
i will endure see and witness them feast
and freeze and retch and die
from the poison of deceit

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Sa Aga Na

Dai inabot ang pagsamod, pagpunas
Napakaray pa man kabinet
Nag apon mga lumang resibo
Naisaray mga anik-anik
Nakua mga nawawarang ID
Nakalaba ning flags, figuratively
Nakababad ning mejas, mga itum
Ngunyan makayod pa din
Binayaan ang dai pa nasasamudan
Dai pa napupunasan
Sa aga na lang
Sa dai natapo ngunyan
Pirming may sa aga
Pirming may aga

Friday, March 6, 2015

Taking a Sick Leave

i'm not really sick. the headache has subsided after the bowl of cereals and the unbelievably strong black coffee from Organo Gold, just one cup, thereafter. still not the type to lie in bed, and sleep while the sun is out there, bursting in glory. but i feel that i deserve this. to not rush, take the time to take used clothes out of this traveling bag one by one. not fuss over unwashed dishes. spend time to heat water for a later bath. run the checklist in my mind, slowly, of what to do with three banks today. and later, spend time, for the first time, at the newly opened J.Co's across the street. then go through the grocery list --- looking forward to a first full weekend, and a first full work week this March here in Manila. Then attend to two major emails and a deliverable for Peter. no one's sick. but someone deserves a leave.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Weird Chapter 4

Couldn't find the file with tables
Couldn't find the folder
Couldn't find the mother folder
Not in the ever durable Acer
Not in the Passport USB
Not in Box
Lost in a virtual Bermuda Triangle

Sunday, March 1, 2015

EarthUs

Feb 28
Just five, but brains, vibes and passion working
Taking easily the call of obligation
Taking the call of another wild
Something of the earth
Led by another wild woman now
Be led and lead, new tracks, fresh tracks

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Eating Vietnamese

Pho bac
Galleria
Passport
Vermicelli
Mint and sprout
Beef, shredded whole
Meatballs
Vietnamese coffee
Hmmmmm

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Ehersisyo

Broke into sweat this morning. Despite sleep deprivation till 230am. Still took time with the sun salutations. One can't be so harrassed and not exercise. So tomorrow, will sweat again, and the next day. Will even try to swim at this resort in Pangasinan.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

SCTEX writing

writing with only the laptop illuminating
writing while traveling, no vertigo here Mom
writing because the rush of inspiration won't leave
writing past bedtime and the mind won't stop
i only need to pee
but still alive. happy to be alive.

The Glide

it was the swim last friday, feb 20. the skies were gray after bringing the daughter to school. there were reasons not to swim - still nursing a cough, pool water might be too cold, could be sluggish after weeks not swimming etc. but still i went. at 745am, i was ready to swim. started with the breaststroke as a warm up, 10 laps. then the 'dreaded' freestyle because this stroke usually saps my energy.

and then it happened.

the swim, the freestyle, suddenly became effortless. like i was gliding. gliding from end to end as if marking a smooth straight line along the water. effortlessly kicking, and i felt one with the water, my right hand dipping in, the left hand reaching out, the neck just swerving to catch the glimpse of blue gray skies, the hotel's palm trees and its sunlight-drenched windows. i was more than alive. i was one with the water. all the time i spent those more than 15 laps of freestyle, i was smiling. smiling while gliding. this is swimming.

i have not gone close to how Sir Mar described swimming as 'meditation'. but i quite know how to get there.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Next 44 Years

i have very few really deep dreams and desires that the goal for the next 44 years is to fulfill them all, and prepare the people who will be left behind to take on the responsibility, to be able to grow more what is is being built and the bold plans in the making.

at 44, i am looking outward and forward. i desire to be more to people. to be converted inside out. to give and endow more. to not just be strong, but be mighty. as i look into curbing and silencing from within the unhealthy, the distorting, the unbelieving.

44 years past, and 44 years on, you are living anew Vitti.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Crazy Violent

it's how ericson describes my personality when i'm pissed and need to take action at the same time. it's in my personality to scream, to dish out the most cutting of expressions, the harshest of words, without even cussing. like this morning, i have to put mark in his place, JR to be reminded the non-negotiables in coordination work, and ms vency, to be reminded time and again, the consequences when one's standards are relaxed. even peter was not spared. i have to talk as i'm addressing autistics - to say don't, that is not accurate, are you telling me? this is how it's done - one, two, three... is that my job or your job? don't panic and listen to me.  there is strong sense of focus, failure to be met head on. crazy violent. crazy violent to get things done.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Three Cleaning Ladies

too much travel and work, and no time for housework. no time to clean the blinds, wipe them clean, inside and out. so for the first time, in over a year, got the services of three cleaning ladies - Manangs Ruth, Bina and Ritchie. sisters all. and organized. one does the kitchen. the other the bathroom. and the third, taking charge of wiping, sweeping and polishing. in about 60 minutes, they were finished, the house clean, especially the blinds. so will see them next in two months. two months for the condo to undergo general cleaning. as i travel, work, and can spare no more time for housework, even on weekends.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Voice Memos

More time on the road than one's desk. I labor to write what i think feel approve resent appreciate. But as the time to write is limited, long thought analysis can only be stored through the one tool possible. The tape the phone the voice memo. It is not as fluid thorough authoritative as the written word. But it will do.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Turning Point

Something changed. In me. Calm, control and a sense of compassion in dealing with the difficult people, the acknowledged thorns, that are there, just there, for their own reasons. so this is how Leadership flowers, after taking root in accepting that yes, leadership starts with just being there. showing up. fronting. asking, getting consensus, moving, deciding, flowing to form. Something changed and I'm Becoming/

Thursday, January 22, 2015

One at a Time

there are so many things to do. a lot of Ps as in Phd, projects, and people. other ways, to do these things, temptingly present themselves. but as with Money Management, the basic remains, focus one at a time and stick to the original plan. often, the original plan always happens to be the most doable. unless circumstances change to merit last-minute adjustments. but it is on occasions like these that Flow comes in. let it all flow, ride it, just be aware of the crucial Ps and all other will gather in one stream. Focus. Flow. one and the same.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Ready to Fore

i don't look at it as pressure. it's just part of what i do. part of work that i have learned to love wholly, the bumps, cracks, and loopholes, and even nasty surprises. just as i cherish the vision to the smallest of inroads and yes, miracles and unexpected right turns. there are continuing and expanding obligations to the team, which is first priority because they are my immediate stakeholders. so yes, we are up to it. we are leading the way. we are trailblazers. we've known that long before the horns have been blowing.

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Language of Shoes

Been waiting here outside the doctor's office for more than 20min now. The doctor is cloistered in a room with a glass wall, shielded by hazy glass starting 2m above the ground. I can only see shoes. There are more than two people with the doctor that I'm beginning to doubt this is not a consultation but an interview. There is no sign they're leaving soon. The woman's shoes are curled under the chair she's sitting on. She's not a patient. A man beside her with hiking loafers still carries the xray in his hand. Now another woman's shoes are visible, open, to show pedicured nails. An old woman's feet. She just switched places with the man and they're not leaving soon. How right I am. A long wait indeed. Good I took lunch before coming here.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

One Lazy Rainy Day

it's the kind of rainy day that makes going out a drag. it makes writing and other office work contemptuous as the bed looks on invitingly. everyone gets irritable, from the dogs outside to the daughter who cannot upload a web photo on Facebook. and i just hope we can have dinner early and retire. let the winds and rains pass on My Lord. forgive us for another day.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Unusually Sick, Ready to Rest

it's not just an ordinary cough. the pain in one's limbs cannot be ignored. one gets fussy, irritable. only a medical doctor's advice would suffice. so dragging my burly laptop to, i was at 'work' while waiting for the doctor's call past 11am. i do not like being this way. but i have to listen. and the body says rest, rest, rest. and to slowly get the groove out of the long Christmas break. so now i rest. work and the thesis finished in terms of commitments for the day. i rest at 655pm, just as Pope Francis reads the Concluding Prayer of the liturgical mass at SM-MOA.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

All Up to the Universe

I have done my part
And perhaps I can say more
And grab the right attention
But if these are not enough
Then it is up for the Universe
To resolve
Beyond me, I surrender to the Universe

Sunday, January 11, 2015

One Morning at a Time

thesis on a sunday. but there's no rest day no longer.

in bed this morning, i wanted to stay glued. but the thought was --- what new thought will germinate today as i write? what new or better way of linking will materialise if i just work on the thesis, even for just thirty minutes?

and indeed, these questions were answered from 605am to 643am.

on some days, the questions will be left hanging especially when the writing is 'off'. but there is no good day in writing really, one cannot anticipate it. one just has to show up on one's writing desk, open the laptop and endure the white and black page in front of you.

this thesis will be finished. one morning at a time.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Living

Fortnightly Friday dinners
Yoga classes to de-stress
Saving, investing, keeping
Monthly mercatos with the Team
More Morse, Colin Dexters
Life within a Life

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Steel Diamond

Fought so hard today against three dumb foreigners who should know better instructing me how to do my job in work that i know out of combined deskwork, research, fieldwork, design and hands-on implementation. I am not steel diamond for nothing.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Glasses On

Eyesight worse
First time
Had lunch
Glasses on

Monday, January 5, 2015

Pushing it Right

i had to push myself. it's a saturday, you have to 'rest', as in do nothing cerebral. but all i need was a push. silence that irrelevant voice. to just open the laptop, Microsoft Word, and pray, that the PC will not turn off abruptly, as it has been doing, sometimes more than once on start-up, during the holiday break.

and so i did. worked. while serving Yaman two slices of homemade pizza, eating corn while talking with mother and sister, occasionally checking phone messages and games, browsing, and paying phone bills online.

and so i was able to transition to how responsible the urban poor, as a 'sector' was on pushing a solid tenure agenda in the early 1990s here in naga. and now, i'm working on tripartism already. yes, all, because i pushed, on the right direction.

so keep on pushing the right things, the right thoughts, and the right mindset.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Gift of Naga

as i leave Naga for the bigger outside home that extends more than 600km to Ifugao, i am thankful for-

...priceless days and nights with my Abalantung
...visiting Dad at Sto. Nino
...hearing mass in all fave Churches: Basilica, Carmelite, and the Immaculate Concepcion
...visiting Pili
...touching base with CSSAC colleagues and lending emotional and moral support in the process
...numerous happy and noisy lunches and dinners with family
...eating Maki, gambasetti, taho, turon, baduya, pandesal from Universal, kinonot, siopao, asado mami, mazapan, buko and mango pies at Kopi Roti
...walking along Igualdad and mulling over a future research on the Naga City Public Market
...every day, because being embraced by Bicol, my home is a gift.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

66 Days

the magic of 66 days according to this finance blog i'm newly following. 

the heart and mind and soul is happy it soars way up high with plans made realistically possible, doable. 

every thing boils down to patience, discipline and the willingness to undergo pain and the wisdom of the process. 

you are free Vitti, financially free. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

A Shoe Story on a New Year

it's not supposed to disintegrate. it's hush puppies. but it did.

on my way to carmelite yesterday, i had to go back. because the sole on the right shoe gave away first. then a few seconds later, the left one's.  that's why walking in it felt strange. unstable. thin. that's how old shoes get. when they have been left unused for years. this one, over five years perhaps. since leaving the philippines for australia.

and this always happens to me. shoes and mostly sandals disentangle while i walk them. about twice, i have to walk home on my feet because they can no longer be worn. more than once, i have to buy on the spot. to save myself from embarrassment.

so there, another shoe story.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Finish this Year

i know i should write more than two hours per day
that there should be an exclusive desk for writing
that the books, the notes, transcripts should occupy their own shelves
that there should be a view of trees outside a writing window

but there is no more hour left to squeeze on a tight day
i write on yaman's desk or the dining table at Forbeswood
the books, notes, transcripts live separate lives in naga and manila
the view outside is a row of windows in a metro-urban jungle

nevertheless, you will write
you will write, and labor, and write and finish
this year...