i gave a lot to this thesis from 2009 to 2013. disciplined myself to write every day, read every day, structure, think through, discuss. i wonder why, given all these efforts, still, i am doing the thesis, still at chapter 5 in 2015.
when out on one jeepney ride in naga, with the wind blowing over my face, it hit me.
you are kinder now. you need kindness to write and finish this thesis.
in 2012, when i can still write full time, i was very angry. while uncovering the half-truths and the dirty politics, i wanted to lambast, shed out the clean image of the city to show a rotting core. and in my writing, jane saw that i was too judgmental, purist, and unbending sense that what is right must be straight and true, through and through.
but now, with what i witnessed with my work in the mountains, i came to respect and appreciate that what the mayor did in Naga was no easy feat. he had to weave through its politics and it must have been heart-rending exposing one's heart to the poor and commanding policy and programs to give meaning to words given them.
it was not easy and it has been done. it may not be right against standards, but a way has been made to track out new and better paths - for others.
that Wise One Up There pushed me back to get a new perspective. find gentleness as i take apart the data. give it new eyes, some fresh understanding, more kindness now.
so now i deal with chapter 5. i deal with the muck and how what it is portrayed to be, is actually really not. but then, that is not a bad thing, at all. it was the best contrived given the circumstances. and while the mayor might say, he could have done better in some ways, i think, he has done enough of what he could and what a difference this has made.