Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Thursday, December 24, 2015


i am so nervous, it is hard to start. on to chapter 6, and i'm structuring arguments from a text originally descriptive. but i am told to move on and get the first draft complete by the 3rd quarter of next year. and so i will. and in the process, i silence the cold strangle of fear in my heart and spit on it. spit on fear and insecurity. spit spit spit. i am writing on.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Desire 2

it has always been like this with men. to know that i am ready to go beyond friendship, i must imagine men sexually. without this, the barrier of friendship still holds. but this is also my waterloo. before, i tended to confuse sexual pleasure with love. with a past love, thinking sexually was still the entry point. i thought love could be secured after. after all, he loves me so much. perhaps, i can feel the same measure afterwards. at the back of my mind, i knew, i didn't really love him that fully. i know it was a lie from the very start, and that is how i ended up discerning i am not fit for him. he is not my man. i do not belong to him.

with Yaman's father it was the reverse. i tended to fall in love easily. and confused attention with love. after the one-night stand, i thought it would be forever with him. and perhaps, him, thinking i was the eager beaver, jumped right in, and thought perhaps, love will just awaken. i was so easy to exploit. with my position in the office, he could get projects. he could have a house to stay, free room and board. a typical fence-sitter and user. and that's how sex sent me spiralling down to another heartache.

and so the lesson is, sex is not an entry point, should not be. one could just be lucky to find the right love through this. so with JC, i think like my old sorry self. thinking sexually. because after yoga, imagination sets in. so i lay off of this tendency. sex will come last. i must know the man. work, friendship, trust, belongingness. these should all come first. sex is just the icing.

Sunday, December 20, 2015


who holds your face?
traces circles around that bronze skin
makes you feel manly
human and God
it's endless flow with
My desire.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


Everytime i pack i bring these stuff:  the CSR book, the thesis chapters. And i will not have time to open them in four or five days. In naga, there is just no time. I am out most of the time. When no time to sit on a table. And when, in the afternoon, i am too beat, too tired to even care, or remember. When on travel, it depends on the car sometimes. If the car is not 4x4, i'd rather enjoy the view, no matter how familiar, than suffer the bumps and listlessness. When in the hotel, the hours are few. But i still bring the stuff. Waiting for the right snd perfect moment, which rarely comes.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Why I Cannot Blog Every Day

Because priorities pile up
Because i forget
Because of shitty wifi where i am, sometimes
Because 9pm interferes
Because i don't effort much

But i try. I will keep on trying.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Chapter 6

i am here and doing this chapter now. to finish in less than 30 days. i can do this. i am prepared for this.