it has always been like this with men. to know that i am ready to go beyond friendship, i must imagine men sexually. without this, the barrier of friendship still holds. but this is also my waterloo. before, i tended to confuse sexual pleasure with love. with a past love, thinking sexually was still the entry point. i thought love could be secured after. after all, he loves me so much. perhaps, i can feel the same measure afterwards. at the back of my mind, i knew, i didn't really love him that fully. i know it was a lie from the very start, and that is how i ended up discerning i am not fit for him. he is not my man. i do not belong to him.
with Yaman's father it was the reverse. i tended to fall in love easily. and confused attention with love. after the one-night stand, i thought it would be forever with him. and perhaps, him, thinking i was the eager beaver, jumped right in, and thought perhaps, love will just awaken. i was so easy to exploit. with my position in the office, he could get projects. he could have a house to stay, free room and board. a typical fence-sitter and user. and that's how sex sent me spiralling down to another heartache.
and so the lesson is, sex is not an entry point, should not be. one could just be lucky to find the right love through this. so with JC, i think like my old sorry self. thinking sexually. because after yoga, imagination sets in. so i lay off of this tendency. sex will come last. i must know the man. work, friendship, trust, belongingness. these should all come first. sex is just the icing.