Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Gratitude and Mary Grace

Here, catching up with the gratitude journal and the only allowable mixed drinking when on HCG - coffee with almond milk.

Monday, December 12, 2016

A Wish for You

in my dreams, you do not talk to me. you don't even look at me. but you are there. awkwardly aware of my presence but not looking. refusing to look.

it is a shame if life is not turning out for you. if you are not happy as you thought you would. if still you are not happy with the complete package, and the end result. it really all boils down to you. the problem is you.

may you have the courage to love what you have.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My Weight Manifesto

My struggle with gorging made me realize the following:

1. I am not a heavy eater. what affects my weight is when i succumb to breads, oats, pasta and my favorite, sotanghon.

2. I can pace eating. i can go without food for 4-5 hours. again, i am not able to maintain this amidst temptation. sometimes, i eat at shorter intervals because i chose to, and not because i have to.

3. My metabolism is haywire. i cannot not lose weight by exercising only, eating less and eating right only. it's a complete system. everything has to happen, including sleeping early.

4. I also stress-eat. like food is medicine when the workload is heavy, the Leader got upset (again), a TM or TL becomes irritating.


My values in eating are the following:

1. Adequacy. Not much to keep me full. Not deprived to keep me wanting.

2. Focus.  Weaned off from rice since 13 Jan 2011. I stick to the food plan if that's what I should be eating.

3. Fortitude. I don't cheat at all. I can wait for the right food, than cheat on what is available.


What I should improve on:

1. Discipline.  Let go, Vitti. Carbs are not good for you if they come in the form of breads, oats, pasta, rolls. Let go of these. They are not good for you. Stop justifying. Listen and heed Doc Dea's advice.

2. Saying 'no'. You have to be stronger while on the field, with your team, your best mates.

3. Getting wise. You started HCG in 2011, and after that 2 more times - one in 2014, then in 2015. and now in 2016. This is your third.  Make sure to hold on to 120-127lbs after this 4th one. You know the food, the habit, and the lifestyle that is good for you. Follow it. Stick to it.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Gorging 2

i've written about this in 2014. the obscenity in Gorging. today, resuming HCG in just close to a year. not been too disciplined. and that amnesia when carbs; specifically, steel-cut oats are concerned. so starting this morning - kaya breakfast at Toastbox, lunch of leftover pork sigang, cappuccino and donuts (glazed and Al Capone), and dinner of combination pho soup at Pho Hoa.  obscene and just humbling. to gorge amid the poverty of the world. i will really make this HCG work for 5 years. gone with this obscenity. done with this hypocrisy.


Saturday, December 3, 2016

Affirmation

elaine and angel found themselves again in a major trial.

i so admire elaine. rather than sulk - she affirmed, 'mabuti na lang meron akong God. kasi nakita ko kung gaano ako ka-strong. yung times na kailangan kong mag-think straight. nagawa ko.'

despite the trial, here she is. Thanking God nonetheless for being the God that saves, the God that bestows strength.

elaine and angel will surpass this. i see something majestic coming their way.

Friday, December 2, 2016

My Morning FB Posts

it started as resistance to Rodrigo Duterte's/ the State's harshness in its anti-drugs campaign.

kept posting anti-hate quotes, about peace and justice.

until i transitioned to inspirational quotes. always posted early in the morning, every day. i believe these quotes are able to help some of my friends get through their own trials - Jean, Joey, Ma-al.

these were not meant for them. but for me. in a programmed approach to go above my demons. not to slay them as like Hydra, the demons tend to multiply. i see these demons every day. i look at them, acknowledge them, and quell them with a smile. kindness. they have no power over me, anymore.

but true. what i post every morning in FB is becoming more than just me. and i think that is a good way to be in. to do something good like this every day. to make every one of my friends who encounter the post - happy, inspired, relieved, hopeful, eager to face life, all over again, every single day.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Thinking in Questions

i started around 6am today. relied on the body clock to nudge me awake by 5am, the morning rituals followed, the morning cup of hot water and by my chair facing the white wall, i opened Word and looked at the phrases there right in front of me. where will i start? how will i start re-writing Chapter 2. John Nery advised to 'Think in Paragraphs'. but still, my ideas have yet to be organized. so i have no paragraphs to construct, yet.

so i started with this. I thought in questions. it looked like this:



Then with this, I did some free writing, answering the questions:


Just to give me a start.

and i read the whole day ADB's Urban Poverty in Asia, published in 2014. (except for the yoga intermission from 12-3pm)

Now, I'm writing Chapter 2.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Recognized by Giants

Today, John Nery praised my writing. The Chief of Reporters at the Inquirer, Tine Sabillo, said I was her favorite. Just like Mary Ann Moll said, I am a great writer. And still, there is no book to my name. My MA thesis was not published. And still, I have no major printed work to take pride on. Perhaps this is about to change. When giants acknowledge you this way, one is meant for literary greatness. And so I will persevere. Stand on the shoulders of giants. Be a giant myself.

Going Back to Writing

i have not been writing since September. mostly, thesis work is about reading. really slow reading. because of time in between travels. and age shows, just beat sometimes to start at 4am. and sometimes, other work gets in the way.

i long for a time when i can write a full sentence on the thesis. one full true sentence. i will start the discipline tonight. i need to work on momentum. create my own momentum.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Driving with the Daughter

She kept saying 'ibahon'. Feeling weird her mom's on the wheel. We just drove around BGC. She likes the sound of turning headlights. We're happy.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Just Show Up

I am in one of the lowest points of my thesis. My thesis writing journey. If last month, I was so elated to finally have the thesis written in an outline, and raring to redo the framework, now, I got stumped. I do not know where to start. I want a new environment. I suddenly miss the trees outside my room in ARC. I miss my big desk. And the trees. I miss those trees.

But I know it is only me who can get me out of this rut. This hole. And so for three days now, I drag my feet and face the laptop. Now this reamed paper and this white wall. I show up. I show up for some dignity that this me is here, and it is not backing down. And although, I lose my way. Googling Gateway mall parking, and now, blogging anew. I know that to get out of 'these days' - these kind of days engulfed by confusion, frustration, and fear...There is no where to go but show up. Show up until the mind, the hands, and that beating heart gets sick of the rut, this white space, and get doodling again. The show is on. Just show up, Vitti.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

My Mat

I was in Kate Forrester mode. Yesterday morning, in bed, tried to recall, look back. what place really brings me peace? Is it Tagaytay, which a 2 to 3-hour drive? Is it Quezon City, feeling as if I want to run away from it all? Is it here at the condo? Close. But how can one appreciate the obvious.  Harked back to memory and then finally, remembered the 830am with Margaux at UA and there boom! I am transported to that world of peace.  It is on my mat where I am able to witness the present, suspend what bothers and shouts at my conscience and just learn to believe in the rising and falling of my breath. That is peace, relief, rest, respite. It is so accessible I am luckier than Kate Forrester.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Thesis is Alive

The Thesis is alive. The questions are right-on and the arguments solid. The chapter outline captures the main elements and stories. Overall, the thesis has slimmed down from 11 chapters to an acceptable and workable 7. I am working on it almost every day. and I cannot wait waking up 4am every day. I have never lost faith in it. Not a second in the past three years when alternating between headiness and helplessness. I am here. The Thesis is here. I can see it. Next year is submission year.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Writing Back the Thesis


This is how I'm getting back to writing the thesis, especially my framework. Started by getting Jane's key questions, and mine. And from here just answering and getting pointers along the way, like, I should define what a social contract means and know what to study about it - the key components. The discipline is to stay on course of answering from memory the key questions and from there, draw the next steps. I want to finish this PhD. A major life goal for me. So I stay on course.


Sunday, August 7, 2016

Muscle Memory

every time i'm set to drive, i still do get nervous.

just like today. i was with Ira. so before i started, prayed the prayers that Auntie Yev shared with me.

i am already learning to drive confidently. from days of driving when i can. whenever i can.

like next week, Aug 13 and 14. i will drive Cutesy again. perhaps in EDSA on the 14th.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Envelopes

it is a day of envelopes today.

one envelope bearing authorization for blood tests, and results received at 1145am today.
one envelope for the medical certificate for flank pain
one envelope for the tutor's evaluation of the daughter's progress.
one envelope showing her lessons plans for Math, Science, and English in school.

these envelopes giving witness to my anemia
that my bones are getting weaker
and that i need to closely watch the daughter's academics

and today, I journey back to Manila.
bearing on new weight, as I divested much in this 8-day rest.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Meditating in Hashbrown

It was an exercise on mindfulness. I willed myself to eat a hashbrown at McDo-Magsaysay, fully. Just it. The time held between the hashbrown in my right hand and me. And this is what I noticed. Almost automatically, a thought would come like the distraction to text Xandy, the mom of Yaman's bestfriend, Kyla. It was automatic. I reached for the mobile phone but just in time, my mind nudged me back to mindfulness. The will to not be distracted. And to let the hashbrown rule  my world. To be overcome by a hashbrown.

And this is what I noticed again. That a McDo hashbrown is really delicious for its crunchiness and the extraordinary quality of each cubed piece, held together by a little flour and perhaps egg whites. A hashbrown costs P27 with VAT of P3. And it is just perfect with plain water. The saltiness washed down by ordinary clean water. It is too distracting to be enveloped with this noise in a typical McDo outlet. The babble of voices rising, from orders to calls and open conversations. But I am here, taking all these in, along with every bite of hashbrown.

And how grateful I am for today. This experience of mindfulness. Of taking the experience of eating in, while erecting barriers for the mind to  do its absorbing, simmering act. What a breakthrough.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Swimming Again

it was my first exercise after an almost 3-week hiatus from yoga.

swimming, i swam from 750 to 850 am.

i swam like 30 laps. 10 breastroke. then 10 laps of alternating breast stroke and freestyle. then another 10 laps of the same.

i remember Sir Mar and his meditation on water while freestyling. i so understand this now. the effortless swim. the glide. the smile in every stroke. i nearly closed my eyes. but i was still afraid.

but i went swimming. i swam this morning.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Mirrors

i do not like mirrors. they remind me of ghosts. of white ladies appearing out of nowhere reflecting themselves back with contorted hideous faces.

there was a time, at Guijo, Quezon City, i lived over a year without a mirror. made myself up by just looking at the powder mirror.  i was so totally unaware of the need that my Mom bought one from Naga as a present.

until now, i do not like mirrors. i do not like looking at myself for long. i do not even stare at myself even in public comfort rooms where I need to wash hands after using the toilet.

i do not like what i see. The pudgy, fat and round me. even though i'm not. i'm afraid of this un-beautiful version of me.

i still hate mirrors.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Renewing Tithing

i am supposed to tithe Php13k per month. but as of August last year, i have adjusted this to 8k and come May this year, this has been down to 4k, divided as follows: 2k for Sunday mass, 1k for the Immaculate Heart of Mary Charities in Cebu City and 1k for Project Pearls.  For August last year, I brought a computer where 4.5k was allotted for payment. and then by May 2016, I began investing in real estate in DMCI where I allot about 10k a month for payments. it is with Project Pearls that I have become remissed since May 2016, mainly because of travels that make it infrequent to stay in Manila and visit BPI banks for the deposit. but tithing I will renew by this month.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

An 8-day Rest

it was a rest granted by the Leader. a rest deserved after weeks of traveling. a rest needed to stave off the threat of pneumonia. and so here i am.  i could get confused on what to do. but the list is simple - just bring yaman to school in the morning and fetch her in the afternoon. swim every other day starting tuesday. have lunch and conversations with angeline. visit Daddy and Ina. see a pulmonologist. have a haircut, manicure and pedicure. and just settle with thesis writing, and finally finish that CSR 2.0 book. Thank You for this Lord. Thanks a lot Atty Mike.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Driving Ms. Cutesy

She's a compact car so I call her Cutesy. Just before driving, I feel nervous. But every time, inside her, after doing routine checks of the mirrors, locks, seatbelt and hand brake, I am at ease. And so I drove her today. Around BGC for 3km, according to the mileage meter. Up to 125km. Me, one with the car. Till this Sunday again, my Cutesy.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Home Please Home

going home to manila after 2 weeks?

why is it an event, this home-coming?
- i need a full rest
- i'm feeling diminishing returns while traveling
- met my quota of travels already

how i long for stability? moving solitude is wearing me down.

old age. burnout. missing Yaman. missing my family. and missing my car.

i want to go home.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

SUCCEED and Going Down Isabela

the SUCCEED design is finished. and though it is not something, it is a start of something and will be the original from which improvements will take off. Thank You for the inspiration and the concentration amidst the winding tortuous highways of Ambuklao and Kayapa. This is a real miracle.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Why They Hate Us?

after millions of CSR money spent, still, the feedback is, help is not yet enough. and we are still the bad guys. there is no all-out support. what is left, after the dust has settled, is still mistrust and this sense of entitlement that we owe them. we owe them much. a sentiment common across all HCs, here up north, across all three facilities. i have 15 years to know the answers.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Today in Binga

because tomorrow, i will be in Binga, the place of no internet. and i don't want another lame excuse for not blogging. because blogging everyday i will again.

what will be new for tomorrow? how will the Kil's team fare in the case study and needs assessment? will i have enough time to work? will i be productive? what other things will happen to me aside from work and blogging and journaling and recording my amazing life?

Sunday, July 24, 2016

One a Half Hour to Mass

woke up at 5am today to prepare for mass. and just 6 minutes past 5, i did wake up. after morning rituals, heated water as the routine for the past 5 days went. and then i had to stop. i am not in manila. i am in santiago. in santiago city, isabela. no need to hurry here. the church is just a tricycle away and the trip won't take 5 minutes. so slipped back to bed and lay around until 545am. just the right time to bath without hurrying. to get dressed without hurrying. at 620am, i have yet to comb but who needs to rush?

arrived at church 635am. the first mass has not yet ended and the one i'm supposed to take started at 7am and ended way past 815am because of combo music mistaken for mass music. i am indeed in santiago city, isabela.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Thesis Love Crazy

We have very different reasons why we do and still manage to work on the thesis. Me, its personal pride and because, I really love my data and I know that it has value for my hometown. It's this crazy love that keeps me going. Any time, I can quit, But I just do not want to. Crazy really.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Panginoon Kay Buti Mo

i want to remember this. at 5:56pm, 28 June. along the binalonan highway in nueva ecija, when i felt so forlorn and just blogged about sadness.

and yet there, in front of me, a van has this sign - PANGINOON, KAY BUTI MO.

and indeed He is very good to me. i have no cause for complaints.

but i can still get sad.

yet i should not settle there. that one is clear.

and so yes, i can get sad. wallow in it for a while. but there is still God's good and quiet grace to hold on and get inspiration from, in the dark days, hours of insecurity. and so work will get done. the thesis will be submitted. and i will write. as i am writing now..

Panginoon Kay Buti Mo for living in my present. and in that perfect time, give assurance of the future.

That Sadness

i have written about sadness before.

and now it's settling in again.

amidst deadlines i miss and cannot meet. amidst not writing the thesis. amidst not getting the trust of those who matter. it's that subtle feelings of loneliness. of being alone in that blue chair at home. from a vantage point of the whole space that is mine, and i am alone. with work that i cannot finish,

and so i just sit. and get sad.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I am Driving

 i don't get jittery when i drive. even with the test drive of the brio amaze, i was alright.  it's me getting in control of a vehicle and worried of the safety outside of it than mine. and so i am in braking mode all the time. get to practice all-around vision and scanning and more aware of my blind spots.and so while i will get to test edsa only this coming saturday and sunday, i know it is something i would have to do and learn to live by. by july, it is a change in routine as i get to learn this life skill. i am driving.

Monday, June 20, 2016

A Mom's Insecurity

sometimes i feel she does not like me. does not kiss or even hug when i arrive.  i feel like she gets embarrassed with how old i look. does not want to be identified of the simple me. and while would wish to ask her point blank about it, i just let it be. because what i feel may not be what it really is. perhaps i will feel that love in the right time and when i least know how. so i wait. and i let the distance be.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

The Swedish Massge


took out all demons hiding in this body. Jade her name was. and while it did not feel like an hour's massage, i know that this body needs more. needs more hands comforting and invigorating at all the right places. Thank you Filipiniana Massage and Spa. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

My Affirmation Board

Cherishing what I have Become and Becoming
it was a Sunday when i let go of scheduled tasks. was supposed to yoga at 4pm and clean the toilet. but no, these will come later or none at all.  instead, went on to doing the things i've so often deferred - like doing my Affirmation Board - which now is glorified in the kitchen bag for me to see everyday. Affirming the sweet life, the grateful life. Yaman and I - preparing our future together, the brighter path now taken, our having our own home, our family car, my dream job now at SNAP, my monies, insurance and retirement fund, great health and wellness. i see what I have become. and i affirm all these in Gratitude and God's Grace.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Doing the Social Contract

my decision to write the social contract lit review, and from there move back to chapter 3, 4, and 5 and revise these accordingly with the new framework. this course has the possibility of trimming down the chapters to 8 which means i might be able to finish the revisions within the year. say this is the right decision Lord?  please say this is the right thing to do, now.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Demonstrate

i will demonstrate how strategic management planning is done with my team. because despite how much of heeing and hawing, the taste of the butter is in the pudding, and so, to criticize is not enough. one must illustrate one's point with one's work.  to demonstrate is the way to go.

Monday, June 13, 2016

New Investments

In less than a month, I am richer with a real estate investment at Acacia Estates in Taguig, a bond investment with SCB and the third retirement plan with Sunlife.

I am so grateful for my work and the wonderful agents that have made all these possible.

Thank you very much Lord for your grace.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

I Belong to Me

perhaps i belong to me
to christen this space as my rightful own
to let solitude take a permanent seat on the table
and make peace with the ghosts of separation
just let it hover once in a while
but like any thing ethereal
will blend with the air and leave

and so the questioning is over
the random desires quieted
realizing that it is better to rise above desire
and reconcile the flesh and spiritual
in a life where the peace of single life beckons

and so yes I belong to me
men will come and may not stay
but in all
i kept me intact
i have risen above all

Sunday, May 29, 2016

For Mitch

I demand a lot from people. If you are an AVP, act and think like an AVP. One gets a position by proving something. And so it should be, the constant proving. No time for complacency. No time getting bored. Or boring.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Lit Review

I am not writing anew. I am continuing on something clearer, pure and better.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Exhaustion

i am so tired. have not written a decent page since january. task 1 report is on hold. task 2 report still unread. the TOR for SVA not reviewed. and there is the mitigation plan breathing down my neck.

and when i'm tired, i relax like this. from one point to another every travel day, i look out the window and count the houses with porches, porches with no people on it. i stare out and take solace from scenery, getting familiar and familiar each day on travel.

now in this hotel room, i have been lounging since 5pm. i wanted to prepare the TOR, read through the 2011 social equity analysis, but my mind is too tired. so i watched this salsa movie or how a fat man bullied at work and by life, found his heart through dance. and i wonder when i can get back to my hobbies again, self-defense martial arts of the Filipinos. with so much to do, i lose track of time.

and so in between work time, i fly in and out of it. just done with the fgds and the dialogues. i will stare and do nothing again.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

The Barefoot Beauty

Shoeless in Rina's beach wedding.

All prepped up. In blue dress and gold flecked heels.

Lamai Beach


Yaman and I at the beach of Lamai, Koh Samui, Thailand.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Welcome for a Wedding


This is the setting for cousin Rina's Welcome Drinks. Here at Silavadee Resort and Spa, Lamai Beach, Koh Samui, Thailand.

She's getting married on Easter Sunday. And I shall wear a dress.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Nutella and Sansrival


A perfect pair. Black coffee with nutella cake and sans rival courtesy of Rafabel's in Naga City. Enjoying this with BFF Angeline.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Bahay Kubo Salad


The Bahay Kubo salad courtesy of only Colonial Grill of SM Nags. Shared with BFF Gie today.

I so love it I'm bringing Mom here next visit

Friday, March 18, 2016

The Multi-Tasker


From the Balay Segundo Museum at Ramon, Isabela.

To be a  woman is to be her.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Natan's Cabagan

It's a better life with pancit cabagan, specifically Natan's Cabagan at Airport Road, Tuguegarao. Had this with Rhoda and Edward. Both very satisfied. With Edward repeating 'OK talaga'.

The Me, Recently

ah is this me?
missing the blog for a month now
this is not me
missing Natalie's Challenge
but then this is me
away from writing, the computer
away from virtual technology
away from stillness
but still, i can be me
to try harder to write
to just maintain this blog

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Experiment

so i am challenged
to not change, judge
exhaust my tolerance
to the maximum level
and so i respect the flow
and make sense of anger

Friday, February 5, 2016

Writing Illuminates

i am on my 7th year of doing the thesis, 5th year on the writing. lately, i have not been following structure. for 12 days, either i am to weak to wake up at 4am, or i slept too late, i had to recover sleep by not raising the alarm. i get to sleep on. and yes, every day, i feel guilty of not writing. because as i said before, every waking hour, whatever time i give to the thesis, i get a breakthrough.  on my 7th year, i am already working, and it is not simple work i do. other than the travels, my work is to think, to write, to plan, to design, to implement, and it can get too exhausting.  i am getting to my prime even. my knees are getting weak. and my thyroid acts up every time i lost sleep.

so now i adjust. i will try to sleep as early as i can. the latest at 9pm then wake up at 4am and work on the thesis for two hours, on a work day. when there is yoga, i will still wake up at 4am, to either do computer work for 30 minutes or even just read. in case, i have to work late on an important office thing, then i will recover sleep until 5 or 6am and work on the thesis on a minimum of 30 minutes to an hour.

and i will remember this: any amount of time spent on the thesis is a breakthrough. any amount of writing spent for your CSR 2.0 or your designs, your workshops, your plans, is a breakthrough. remember that.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Tension

slinking between sadness
and yearning
that yearning to belong
to have someone waiting
for someone to care
wrapping you up in
so tight embraces
one who will not let go
in this abode
which is also refuge
i find peace
solitude
the kind of
aloneness
that i want
but still
the craving rises up
the air
and i am alone
yearning for someone
to share this space
and i know i struggle
i struggle in every beat
of this lonely heart
and i let it be
let the sadness envelope
and subdue me

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Cut Nail

I do not know the experience of having 'cut' nails till now. That's why anything with loose hair sticks with it. The nail on the left middle finger. So now it's cut. The first.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Someday

Someday I will say to you
The loneliness
The silence is worth it
In a state where happiness
Shares room with longing
Where I relish eating alone
But still...

I still wish for someone
Like JC
For him I wish
I was younger
Or that he, born
Not too late

So for  now
I keep company
Of lights darkness
The cold
I will wait
For that embrace

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Old and Helpless

she was about 70. and from what the daughter said, suffering from alzheimer's.

and as she and her daughter quarreled on whether the old woman should pee or not, while the bus was running, i shuddered. the woman who brought them up, nursed them, instructed them, taught them how to be good daughters, now pushed to the point of helplessness, not able to decide whether to pee or not to pee.

and it does happen. in the changing of the guards, weakness is imminent, among old leaders --- old wolves and old foxes. this is a reality which is sad. this is a reality that i do not wish to reach. let me not be this old and helpless.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Curse of Strength

Can strength be
Just like an umbrella
Left behind a door
Taken only when needed
It is hard to be me
It is hard to be strong
All the time
Can someone take the cudgels
For me?

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Transition Sentence

struggling for two weeks now. no, since december. on how to debate and argue a descriptive chapter. i get stuck with transitions. with making whole sections 'talk' to each other and matter as a whole.  faced with a lot of self-doubt. i am indeed a writer.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Content

Di bale na Lord
I can deal with my loneliness
What I am now, is alright

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

For You Out There

Somewhere out there
You are there
And when Time says so
We will meet
Let's take it easy
OK?
And no dramas,
OK?
I will not change
For you
And I will not
Demand the same
Just be the cool
Honest lover
Who can balance
Time
And make the wait
Worth it

Wish

At the end of the day
I am just a lonely girl
Asking for the love
Of a man

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Happy Sunday Things

Manos mani pedi
Lamy fountain
A clean condo
Thank you Lord!

Saturday, January 9, 2016

How?

a wind is coming
what do you do
for something that
is about to come
and so the
waiting starts
and i am here
living my own
protecting what
will

Friday, January 8, 2016

Exile

it's this getting conscious of emptiness. to walk the streets at night, alone. to wish that there is someone at the other end of a dining table. to plan movies, picnics or just wallowing over sunsets. mulling over if a blessing from heaven will come. and then, i see my cellulite. my legs covered in it. 'i have lost my legs.' and i know, seen first hand, the look of men, as they cringe whenever they see the real me, this way.  and then as i walk home, alone, i become thankful. i no longer have to contend with waiting, disappointment, the fear of reality settling in. that perhaps, i am now on exile. exiled from true love, that will never be mine, in this lifetime. and it's a sad thing to reckon with, everyday. that i will always wake up alone. that embraces will be a luxury. and that men, will only remain good, as long as they're just friends. it is too early to be 'widowed' this way. seeing the next 44 years of my life always wishing for what will never be. to console myself with writing about the sadness and loneliness of being alone. being alone, that pain in my heart, no words can capture and breathe over. exile. i am on exile.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Do I Feel Lonely?

of course i do
i miss embraces
i wonder whether
i shall be cherished
by a man again
desired, purely
without thought
i say 'hubby'
unthinking of
the person
but just saying,
out of habit

i do get lonely
and feel sad
and feel unloved
i lack touch
from another
and how i miss that
and so i will miss
for eternity