Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Cut Nail

I do not know the experience of having 'cut' nails till now. That's why anything with loose hair sticks with it. The nail on the left middle finger. So now it's cut. The first.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Someday

Someday I will say to you
The loneliness
The silence is worth it
In a state where happiness
Shares room with longing
Where I relish eating alone
But still...

I still wish for someone
Like JC
For him I wish
I was younger
Or that he, born
Not too late

So for  now
I keep company
Of lights darkness
The cold
I will wait
For that embrace

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Old and Helpless

she was about 70. and from what the daughter said, suffering from alzheimer's.

and as she and her daughter quarreled on whether the old woman should pee or not, while the bus was running, i shuddered. the woman who brought them up, nursed them, instructed them, taught them how to be good daughters, now pushed to the point of helplessness, not able to decide whether to pee or not to pee.

and it does happen. in the changing of the guards, weakness is imminent, among old leaders --- old wolves and old foxes. this is a reality which is sad. this is a reality that i do not wish to reach. let me not be this old and helpless.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Curse of Strength

Can strength be
Just like an umbrella
Left behind a door
Taken only when needed
It is hard to be me
It is hard to be strong
All the time
Can someone take the cudgels
For me?

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Transition Sentence

struggling for two weeks now. no, since december. on how to debate and argue a descriptive chapter. i get stuck with transitions. with making whole sections 'talk' to each other and matter as a whole.  faced with a lot of self-doubt. i am indeed a writer.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Content

Di bale na Lord
I can deal with my loneliness
What I am now, is alright

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

For You Out There

Somewhere out there
You are there
And when Time says so
We will meet
Let's take it easy
OK?
And no dramas,
OK?
I will not change
For you
And I will not
Demand the same
Just be the cool
Honest lover
Who can balance
Time
And make the wait
Worth it

Wish

At the end of the day
I am just a lonely girl
Asking for the love
Of a man

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Happy Sunday Things

Manos mani pedi
Lamy fountain
A clean condo
Thank you Lord!

Saturday, January 9, 2016

How?

a wind is coming
what do you do
for something that
is about to come
and so the
waiting starts
and i am here
living my own
protecting what
will

Friday, January 8, 2016

Exile

it's this getting conscious of emptiness. to walk the streets at night, alone. to wish that there is someone at the other end of a dining table. to plan movies, picnics or just wallowing over sunsets. mulling over if a blessing from heaven will come. and then, i see my cellulite. my legs covered in it. 'i have lost my legs.' and i know, seen first hand, the look of men, as they cringe whenever they see the real me, this way.  and then as i walk home, alone, i become thankful. i no longer have to contend with waiting, disappointment, the fear of reality settling in. that perhaps, i am now on exile. exiled from true love, that will never be mine, in this lifetime. and it's a sad thing to reckon with, everyday. that i will always wake up alone. that embraces will be a luxury. and that men, will only remain good, as long as they're just friends. it is too early to be 'widowed' this way. seeing the next 44 years of my life always wishing for what will never be. to console myself with writing about the sadness and loneliness of being alone. being alone, that pain in my heart, no words can capture and breathe over. exile. i am on exile.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Do I Feel Lonely?

of course i do
i miss embraces
i wonder whether
i shall be cherished
by a man again
desired, purely
without thought
i say 'hubby'
unthinking of
the person
but just saying,
out of habit

i do get lonely
and feel sad
and feel unloved
i lack touch
from another
and how i miss that
and so i will miss
for eternity