I am in one of the lowest points of my thesis. My thesis writing journey. If last month, I was so elated to finally have the thesis written in an outline, and raring to redo the framework, now, I got stumped. I do not know where to start. I want a new environment. I suddenly miss the trees outside my room in ARC. I miss my big desk. And the trees. I miss those trees.
But I know it is only me who can get me out of this rut. This hole. And so for three days now, I drag my feet and face the laptop. Now this reamed paper and this white wall. I show up. I show up for some dignity that this me is here, and it is not backing down. And although, I lose my way. Googling Gateway mall parking, and now, blogging anew. I know that to get out of 'these days' - these kind of days engulfed by confusion, frustration, and fear...There is no where to go but show up. Show up until the mind, the hands, and that beating heart gets sick of the rut, this white space, and get doodling again. The show is on. Just show up, Vitti.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
I was in Kate Forrester mode. Yesterday morning, in bed, tried to recall, look back. what place really brings me peace? Is it Tagaytay, which a 2 to 3-hour drive? Is it Quezon City, feeling as if I want to run away from it all? Is it here at the condo? Close. But how can one appreciate the obvious. Harked back to memory and then finally, remembered the 830am with Margaux at UA and there boom! I am transported to that world of peace. It is on my mat where I am able to witness the present, suspend what bothers and shouts at my conscience and just learn to believe in the rising and falling of my breath. That is peace, relief, rest, respite. It is so accessible I am luckier than Kate Forrester.